Camino Recordings Part 1

So here I am, walking the Camino, making a recording. I’ve been meaning to write everything down but I find it daunting to write everything down in a journal. I just want to sleep at the end of the day. To sit down and write everything out is hard for me for some reason. Doing a recording doesn’t seem as daunting, I have time while I’m walking, and I feel like I can express myself a little better.

Today I left the boys. I’ve been walking with them for half of my trip so far, and they were great! They are beautiful people! But I was getting really comfortable with them and I feel like it was keeping me from meeting other people and maybe doing a little more soul searching. I’m hoping to meet some new friends along the way.  But, you know, I’m also very content walking by myself every day and just meeting new people at the alburgues I stay at every night and kind of being at peace by being by myself. I have never had a problem being alone.

So, at the beginning, the very first day, I saw A, and I thought he was very cute and very fun, but I didn’t think much of him, and part of that is my insecurity and not realizing that men find me attractive. Apparently, and looking back he had, made some attempts at talking to me and wanting to walk with me and I disregarded it.  However we kept running into each other and we fell into the group of friends with M, S, and S. Now, before I get too far into A, I will describe the other three. M is from Germany, he is just married, and his wife is awesome because she was super cool about him doing the Camino without her. M is quite a jolly, friendly man (he walks like a German, he talks like a German), and he studied business and will be beginning a job soon in that field. S is from Poland, he is a doctor (just finished medical school), he loves ACDC, he is very handsome (we tease him that he is a super model), and he is pretty conservative so it’s interesting to talk to him because he offers a different perspective for a young person which I think is good for me! S is from Australia, he is a lawyer (just finished law school), he is so incredibly sweet and giving and kind and just one of the best people I’ve ever met. He is very expressive and has such a good heart. All three of them are in transition and are taking some time to travel before they begin real jobs. They are great guys and I have loved spending time with them.

A is a crazy Dutch guy, from the Netherlands, obviously. He had a pretty different upbringing and he has seen a lot of hard things in his life so far, but he is such a good person regardless. Because of personal matters I won’t delve into, A has a hard time getting too close to people he cares about. So of course, he was the one I fell for. We only knew each other for 12 days, but when you’re spending 24 hours with someone for 12 days straight, you really get to know that person pretty well. Obviously there are still lots of things I don’t know about him, but we were able to get pretty close and started to really like each other. At one point he accused me of feeling more deeply for him than he did for me, but I knew that wasn’t true, and when I called him out on it he admitted that he had deeper feelings for me as well, which was so satisfying.

A had been walking the Camino from the Netherlands, so he’s been walking for probably 75 or 76 days. Because of this, he warned our little group from the beginning that he would eventually leave us and walk faster and farther every day because he is ready to get the journey completed. He also told me it would easier to say goodbye now then to get even closer and have to say goodbye later, which is probably true, but I hate it. I am so much of an emotional person that even if this logic makes sense, I don’t care! Anyway, he left, he literally ran away a couple days ago, and I’ve been pretty bummed. And the boys are so sweet, but I don’t think they have any idea I’m as bummed as I am, and if they are aware of it, they haven’t said anything.

A and I had something that will always be very special to me. I think because we were together all the time, and because we knew there was an expiration date to our relationship, we were both very open and honest with each other and told each other things we wouldn’t normally share. I felt like I could totally be myself with him, and I had fun with him, and it was easy and nice. It was an intense relationship that happened in a very short time. I think I liked him because he was so different than me. He is brutally honest, which I feel like I can be, but nothing like A. He is kind of aggressive, but very happy and vibrant and loved people. He did whatever he wanted and didn’t care about what people thought about him. He didn’t worry about whether or not people liked him, he just did his own thing. That was really refreshing and nice. I really hope I can find that someday with someone real for a long time. But, he’s gone.

Anyway, I wish I could say I’ve had big epiphanies on the Camino, but I haven’t had anything earth shattering come up. I will say on the Camino you are walking 20-40 kilometers a day, and you are just sore and tired at the end of the day, and there is nothing like taking your pack off, and your boots off, taking a hot shower, eating dinner, and going to bed. It’s so simple how happy you are just to have those little things. There is no TV, no movies, no video games, no things, no fancy clothes, I didn’t even bring books because I didn’t want the added weight. It’s simply walking and resting, walking and resting, walking and resting, and those simple actions can bring so much happiness. We try to complicate happiness when really it’s very simple.

I have also thought about how I really want to make a better effort to let go of people and things. Life is what it is. I have to stop being so controlling. To say I don’t have any control is not true; I have control over the decisions and actions I take. I mean, I was stuck in a rut for years and I didn’t like how I was feeling so I finally took control. I finally quit and went to Montana and came out here and I am so happy I made that change. I think a lot of people get stuck doing their jobs and even though they would like to travel and would like to make a change they’re too scared to do it. I think you just have to take the plunge at some point. With that said, things are going to happen that I have no control over, but I have to just let them happen. People are going to do things that don’t make any sense to me, but I have to just love them anyway and not try to control them.

Those are my thoughts at this point of the trip. Spain is a beautiful beautiful place. Over and out for now.