My secret to happiness...

Leaving Mormonism is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I say this with the utmost respect to those who still practice or have gone back to practicing. I know it gives a lot of people the structure, morals, hope, and happiness they need. Everyone in my family still practices Mormonism, in some form or other, and I would never keep them from it, but for me, leaving has made me a better person.

This is my interpretation of the religion, and it is largely based on my upbringing and my personality. I say upbringing because my parents are super Mormon, to the point that my father was rarely home when I was a child because he was either working or doing stuff for church (years later I had a conversation with him in which he told me he thought God would bless him with a close relationship with his children because of his dedication to serving in the church, but that didn't actually happen the way he thought it would). I say personality because I interpreted things differently than my brothers and sisters did, for some reason, and I think it has to do with my natural inclinations. I am really good at following rules and doing what is asked of me. It does not come natural for me to break rules, which is why I was so good at being a Mormon, and why it is so freeing for me to be out of it. In Mormonism, the point of life is to receive a body, get married in the temple, have children, die, live for eternity with God, and create your own world someday. In order to live with God for eternity, you have to follow strict rules, go to church every Sunday, serve in the church, raise your children in the church, pay money to the church, obey the leaders of the church, etc. If you deviate from this plan in any way, you are looked at with skepticism and made to feel guilty. There are clear rules that are actually pretty easy to follow and provide a lot of shelter from the outside world or anything that would keep you from the "straight and narrow" path of God. I understand why it works for people, and I know of a lot of people who do not follow the rules exactly and make the religion work for them, which is great. Again, I do not want to diminish anything for anybody.

As for me? I like not knowing the answers to anything anymore. I have embraced the unknown, which frees me to so many philosophies I would have otherwise disregarded. Why are we here? I have no clue. What will happen when we die? No idea. Is there a God? Maybe. It's refreshing not having the answers to these things, and frankly, I really don't care. All I care about at this point is living the fullest life possible and being good to people. Otherwise, I don't care! I like not having rules and having to figure out my own moral code, taking full responsibility for my actions. God did not give me what I have, I have earned it. Satan does not tempt me to do bad things, I am human and I make mistakes. Taking responsibility for every action I make is such a beautiful thing, and adds much more meaning to my life. I love myself more. I am less of a perfectionist. I don't have as many expectations for myself or others.

As a Mormon, because I did not find a husband and get married when I was "supposed" to, I felt  a lot of sadness, pain, and loneliness. I thought there was something wrong with me. I was told that God was giving me a trial I was supposed to learn from, that if I went to the temple more, prayed harder, read my scriptures more, served more people, God would bless me with a husband and family. That didn't happen. You know what's funny? I don't even know if I wanted to have a husband and children, or if I was told that's what I should have wanted, so I thought that's what I wanted? That's the thing about religion: the "trials" people are given from God so they can learn A,B, or C? It's bullshit. Trials, or lessons from God, are not real. Life is real. Life happens. People do shitty things that end up hurting other people. Hard and sad things happen and we deal with it and learn from it and pick ourselves up and continue on. God and Satan have nothing to do with it.

The concept of a "sin" no longer makes sense to me. I do not commit sins anymore, because the idea is obsolete, and subsequently, I feel a lot less guilt. I mean, I used to feel guilty if I forgot to pray in the morning or let an extra bad swear word slip. It's ridiculous! I think the only time I should feel bad about anything is if I hurt another person. I think I have a responsibility to be good and kind toward my fellow human beings, and if I go against that and hurt someone, I am in the wrong and need to remedy the damage I may have done. Otherwise, I am not bad. I don't do bad things. I am not a sinner, I am a person. There is no such thing as perfection or imperfection, and I hate the idea that someday I can be perfect. Because what does that even mean? The idea of perfection is different for every person and there's no way I could be perfect in every person's eyes. It is not a real thing. I am human. I am me.

As a Mormon, the point of life was to be as righteous as possible so I could live with God forever someday. This mindset kept me from living life. There were things I wanted to do, places I wanted to go, experiences I wanted to have that I would not allow myself to have because I had to be good. I had to be responsible. I have learned that living in the moment, savoring each day, each person, each experience, each feeling, has brought me so much happiness, which is something I didn't do as a Mormon. If I hadn't left the religion, I don't think I would have quit my job to travel. I'd probably still be working at the Food Bank, miserable, 40 pounds heavier, waiting for my future husband. It's so sad and crazy to think about how much I held myself back.

I think I am a more moral person. I used to give and serve people a lot, but not because I actually loved and wanted to help those people. I did it out of obligation. I did it out of self-righteousness. I did it because I wanted God to see how good I was to others. I was usually bitter about giving service because of this mindset. Now I give and serve because I want to. I do it out of real, sincere love for people. I expect nothing in return. I would give the shirt off my back to anyone if they asked for it, and not because I'm looking for attention or praise, but simply because I see goodness in everyone and I genuinely care about people. I want to lift people up not because God told me to, but because I feel it is the right thing to do. Because people deserve to be treated kindly.

I am more patient. I am more spontaneous. I am less of a control freak. I am more forgiving. I am more understanding. I am more kind. I have more fun. I am more adventurous. I do more good. I am more genuine. I am more fit. I am healthier. I am less judgmental. I feel a lot less stress. I feel less anxiety. I am more at peace. I don't hold on to things as much. I am more easy-going. I am more open. I am more accepting.

The list goes on.

I can only speak for myself. I know plenty of people who are Mormon and live very full, adventurous, rich, sincere lives, which is so great and I am happy for them. But Mormonism did not work for me in that way. It stifled me. Leaving it was the remedy my life needed.

Words

I haven't posted a good ramble for a while, so here we go. Profound thoughts from Marie Sunshine Peepers on this, the 26th of February.

I currently work at a ski lodge in Alta, don't ask me why. Honestly, the only reason I applied for this job was because when I was working at the ranch in Montana everyone I worked with was stressed about finding a winter job, so then I became stressed about it, so I found this job listed on Craiglist and applied and interviewed and got the job. Within days I had winter employment. I had NO idea there was a ski culture. I mean, I'd heard the term "ski bum" before but I didn't really know what it meant. Now I know what it means. It crossed my mind when I got the job that I could learn how to ski, but honestly I was more excited about the prospect of having a gym, hot tub, and sauna I could use everyday. Skiing was a second thought. Not even that, it was more like a third or fourth thought. Then I came out here. And I met the people who work out here. They ski, then talk about skiing, then watch skiing videos on YouTube, then watch the making-of videos about the skiing videos they watched on YouTube, then watch skiing documentaries. They get powder fever, which, I didn't know existed, but it does. I have gone skiing a few times since being out here, but I don't have powder fever. I don't care to go skiing everyday. Not that there's anything wrong with wanting to go skiing everyday; the kids up here are happy, man. They are doing what they love. But I am totally indifferent to it. It's fun, but I'm not in love. When there's a sunny day I get really excited about being able to go on a long run. I would rather go for a 10 mile run up and down the canyon then ski all day. I haven't caught the bug. I'm pretty sure people up here think I am super weird, and they wouldn't be wrong. I am super weird. But I think they are super weird, too.

I have never told the full story of the crazy Dutch guy because I've been meaning to turn it into a detailed short story, which I have not gotten around to writing. So here's the gist: I met him the first day of the Camino, thought he was cute, but didn't give him a second thought. We ended up walking with the same group of guys for a few days, ended up cuddling, and yatta yatta yatta. I tried to be very practical about it; he was just going to be my Camino fling and nothing more. But then we started talking more and getting closer and sometimes you end up falling for people you didn't mean to fall for. Sometimes these things happen, dammit, even when we don't intend them to. Anyway, he could tell we were getting close so his reaction was to runaway from me in the middle of the pilgrimage. He literally ran. I stayed behind and walked with the other guys for a couple days, but then started getting really antsy myself. I started walking 20-25 miles a day, just because I had the energy and could do it. Then I realized I was making such good time that I would be able to do the extra 100 kilometers to the ocean, which I originally hadn't planned on doing because I didn't think I'd given myself enough time. But then, as I was getting closer to Santiago, I realized I could probably catch up with the crazy Dutch guy, so that became my new challenge. I walked 50 kilometers (about 30 miles) a day for almost a week. I asked about him at the hostels I stayed at and found someone every night who had met him and could tell me when they had seen him. The last night before I was going to walk into Santiago I stayed at a hostel with a man named Gabin, a lovely fellow from England. He had just run into the crazy Dutch guy the night before and told me, "if it's met to be, you will find him." That morning I woke up early and ran for about 5 kilometers, and then I could see a familiar backpack in the distance. It was the crazy Dutch guy. I was super nervous and slowed down, but eventually caught up with him. He was walking with a woman he owed 10 Euros to, and he hadn't been able to find an ATM so couldn't pay her back, and didn't want to leave her knowing he owed her money. He asked if I had 10 Euros, which I did, paid her, and then he and I walked together into Santiago and spent 3 days together there. Jump to present day: I don't think either one of us expected to keep in contact like we have, but as it is we text each other everyday and talk on the phone a few times a week. We are not in an official romantic relationship. I have been seeing other guys and he's been seeing other girls. But he has become a very special friend to me and I have a lot of love for him. I am not IN LOVE with him, I don't think, but I love him. I will be seeing him on my trip to Europe come May, and I am very excited about it. And that's all I have to say about that, for now.

I am still trying to learn how to let things go. Not grudges, I don't hold grudges, it's not in my nature. However, I have a tendency to think I know what is best for everyone. It used to be A LOT worse than it is now, but I still find myself getting frustrated at people for not choosing the things I would choose or doing things the way I would do them. It comes from a good place; I want people to be happy, and I think I know what would make them happy. However, this way of thinking tends to be quite judgmental at times and just causes me stress. I have to fight myself when I get a controlling thought in my head. It is a mental wrestle every time, but I am making progress. I don't concern myself with other people's lives half as much as I used to, but I would like to get to the point where I don't concern myself at all. I mean, I want to be there for people, and show them love and support and comfort when they need it, but otherwise, I just want to stay out of their business and let them do as they will, because ultimately I have zero control.

I really miss walking everyday. Actually, the crazy Dutch guy and I were just talking about this the other day, about how both of us miss walking. It was so simple: we woke up, walked, when we needed to sit and rest, we rested, ate when we were hungry, got to the hostel and drank wine, and slept. That was it. We met great people and had good conversations and laughed a lot. It was nice. If I could get paid to walk 30 miles a day, I would. How do you find that job?

And with that, I'm off. Hope you enjoyed.

Camino Recording Part 3: Let Me Do My Damn Thing

Today is day 20 on the Camino. Yesterday I did almost 50 kilometers, I went from Astorga to Acebo. Astorga was such a beautiful city, I loved walking around in it.

I'm  finding when I walk by myself, once I get to the hostel, there's really not much to do. I guess I could sit and contemplate, but more and more I keep thinking "ahhh I just like constantly moving. I like moving my body, I like getting somewhere, I have energy, I might as well go farther." My body feels fine! My feet want to go!

The plan was to go to Villafranco today. I am still about 10 kilometers out so we'll see how I'm feeling once I get there, but I think I might go farther. There is sunlight until six, so I figure if I get to a place by 5 I should be okay.

When I talk to people about how fast I'm going they think I'm crazy or that I'm going too fast. For example, I met a man from Las Vegas who started calling me an Olympian because he couldn't believe how fast I was going. I also met two men who I ate dinner with last night, one from Italy and one from France, they were very nice, very good company, and they both were amazed at how far and how fast I have gone. You know, I'm not going 50 kilometers to impress people or to amaze people, and honestly it's not even hard for me, I just really enjoy walking. I would rather be walking then sitting around at a hostel. I feel better and I think more clearly when I am on my feet. Getting to a hostel by 3 or 4 or 5 in the evening still gives me time to take a shower and wind down and go to bed early and get ready for the next day. There really is no need to get to a hostel really early in the afternoon, at least not for me. I've had some people tell me that I'm taking it too fast and asking if I'm even able to see the scenery around me, and my answer is always yes! Of course I am seeing what's around me! I walk fast, but that doesn't mean I'm not seeing what's around me. I see the sky, the colors of the trees. Right now I'm walking by all of these grape vies that are different, beautiful colors, and there are birds flying around, the sky is loaded with clouds and they are a bunch of different coloros of gray and blue. It's really beautiful! I am experiencing all of it and seeing all of it, even if I am walking faster than other people. I kind of feel like I'm being judged because of how fast I'm going, but unfairly because I am still experiencing the Camino for myself, it's just at my own pace, which happens to be a little fast.

A lot of people have said "the Camino doesn't change, the Camino changes you." I'm sure I've been changed and I'll continue to change until the end, but I'm not really sure how I'm changing, and that's something I need to contemplate the next couple days. I think I'm learning to be at peace with and happy with myself.

Oh! I ran into this group of people yesterday when I got to Acebo. I was sitting in the bar and they came in to get a drink, and they were on their way to Mansilla. One of the guys, when I told him I had walked from Astorga, was just amazed, he couldn't believe it. He told me my eyes must have turned blue on the way. His name is Manuel, and I came across him and his group again today, and I thought about walking with them the rest of the way, and did walk with them a little today, but then they were just going so slow! I moved passed them, but they were a fun group. He took a lot of pictures of me. Hopefully he looks back on them fondly. Manuel, Anna, Franny, and a guy from Germany whose name I can't remember but he spoke very good Spanish.

There's an update for now. More to come.

Camino Recordings Part Two: A Frustrating Day

[This is a transcript of the second recording I did on El Camino de Santiago]

Today is Saturday, October 31st, and I was supposed to stop in Leon, but

(The recording pauses)

Sorry, I had to stop and go pee, it was an emergency. When I pass through a city and have to go pee, I feel bad just going into a bar to use the restroom without buying something, so then I have to wait until I get into the outskirts to find a tree to pee behind, and by the time that happens I am about ready to pee my pants.

Anyway.

So, today I was supposed to stop in Leon, but when I got there, I didn't have a good feeling. The municipal albergue was really gross and dingy looking, and the last few days I've been staying in some pretty gross albergues so I was looking forward to a nice one, like the one in Burgos, but it did not look like that. So I'm really, really hoping the next city I get to, which is Villadagos, has a nice albergue where I can rest and feel at ease. But also there were these guys in Leon, which, a couple of them were really cool, but one of them, he was this big, old, overweight German dude who kept staring at me like he wanted to eat me, and I didn't really like that so much. It was making me feel pretty gross so I felt like I needed to get out of there. I thought I would stay in La Virgen Del Camino, but there wasn't really an albergue I could see, and there were these people fighting in the street. I don't know, I just had this really weird feeling in Leon, so I am out of there. Which means this is my third day of doing 40 kilometers in a row, and I actually feel really good today, I feel like my legs are really strong. It's like I couldn't stop! I wanted to keep going, it's like my legs don't want to stop, so I've kept going and going and going. BUT I'm really going to have to take a break tomorrow whether I like it or not. I think my body needs at least a half a day of rest.

Can I just say, I hate cars?! I hate them! The Camino the last three days has been along the highway here, and it is so distracting! And not peaceful AT ALL! Here we go, two trucks. (Trucks zoom by). And then a string of cars following (traffic noise in the background). You see what I'm saying? It's not peaceful which is part of the reason why I decided to walk a little farther the last few days.

(Motorcycle zooms past)

GAH Fucking motorcycle! Ughhh

Anyway, that's part of the reason why I decided to walk a little farther because I want to get the hell out of civilization, it's making me crazy! Oh my gosh! I've been spoiled by these small villages that have been in the mountains and so dealing with these big cities with tons of cars along the highway, I hate it. It's making me crazy. I had to get out of there.

It's too bad because I was going to party in Leon tonight, but oh well. Guess I get a night of peace on Halloween.

I'm feeling a bit frustrated today, if you can't tell. I felt like I needed to leave the guys, but I'm sad because I really miss them. I'm hoping that I will see them before the end. I'm about four days ahead, so I'll have a few days to kill in Santiago before my flight leaves, so I'm guessing I'll see the guys again there. I really felt like I needed to leave them, and I still feel that way, but I haven't really fallen into place with a new group yet, and I would like to meet some new people, so I'm hoping in the course of the next few days I meet some new people. And that I get the fuck out of this hell hole of a highway!

Over and out.

Body Talk

I love my body.

I have insecurities about my body, as most women and men do. I have a pooch, and no matter how much weight I lose, no matter how much I run or how many ab workouts I do, and no matter how many times I tell myself it's normal as a woman to have a little pooch,  I will always have that pooch and I will always be a little self-conscious about it. I have cellulite on my legs, which bothers me because I have muscular legs but I feel like the cellulite distracts from the muscles, so my legs don't look as nice as I think they could. But these insecurities are stupid, and vain, and most of the time I don't even care about them. Most of the time I really, really love my body.

I love what my body can do. I love that I can run 6 miles at a time and feel great. I love that I can hike big mountains like a champ. I love that I did a 500-mile pilgrimage, sometimes walking 30 miles a day, and my body didn't quit on me. I love that I can do push-ups and burpees and mountain climbers and squats and get really sore but feel so good. I love how my body repairs itself and how I continue to do amazing things with it.

I love how my body moves. Dancing is one of my favorite things to do, especially naked dancing, especially naked dancing in the mirror, because I can see how my body looks and how it moves. I love the curves and I love making the curves curve.

When I eat good food, I like to think about that food breaking down and providing me with the strength and nutrients I need to have a healthy-functioning body. In my imagination, every fruit, vegetable, grain, and piece of chocolate is a character playing a role in how my body will function. I like knowing what I put into my mouth will do good things to my body.

I want everyone to see my body. Not because I want to seduce them and not because I think its the greatest body in the world, but because I love it, and I'm proud of it, and it's the only thing I have.

Its weird, I know, but I can't help it. I love my body.

Camino Recordings Part 1

So here I am, walking the Camino, making a recording. I’ve been meaning to write everything down but I find it daunting to write everything down in a journal. I just want to sleep at the end of the day. To sit down and write everything out is hard for me for some reason. Doing a recording doesn’t seem as daunting, I have time while I’m walking, and I feel like I can express myself a little better.

Today I left the boys. I’ve been walking with them for half of my trip so far, and they were great! They are beautiful people! But I was getting really comfortable with them and I feel like it was keeping me from meeting other people and maybe doing a little more soul searching. I’m hoping to meet some new friends along the way.  But, you know, I’m also very content walking by myself every day and just meeting new people at the alburgues I stay at every night and kind of being at peace by being by myself. I have never had a problem being alone.

So, at the beginning, the very first day, I saw A, and I thought he was very cute and very fun, but I didn’t think much of him, and part of that is my insecurity and not realizing that men find me attractive. Apparently, and looking back he had, made some attempts at talking to me and wanting to walk with me and I disregarded it.  However we kept running into each other and we fell into the group of friends with M, S, and S. Now, before I get too far into A, I will describe the other three. M is from Germany, he is just married, and his wife is awesome because she was super cool about him doing the Camino without her. M is quite a jolly, friendly man (he walks like a German, he talks like a German), and he studied business and will be beginning a job soon in that field. S is from Poland, he is a doctor (just finished medical school), he loves ACDC, he is very handsome (we tease him that he is a super model), and he is pretty conservative so it’s interesting to talk to him because he offers a different perspective for a young person which I think is good for me! S is from Australia, he is a lawyer (just finished law school), he is so incredibly sweet and giving and kind and just one of the best people I’ve ever met. He is very expressive and has such a good heart. All three of them are in transition and are taking some time to travel before they begin real jobs. They are great guys and I have loved spending time with them.

A is a crazy Dutch guy, from the Netherlands, obviously. He had a pretty different upbringing and he has seen a lot of hard things in his life so far, but he is such a good person regardless. Because of personal matters I won’t delve into, A has a hard time getting too close to people he cares about. So of course, he was the one I fell for. We only knew each other for 12 days, but when you’re spending 24 hours with someone for 12 days straight, you really get to know that person pretty well. Obviously there are still lots of things I don’t know about him, but we were able to get pretty close and started to really like each other. At one point he accused me of feeling more deeply for him than he did for me, but I knew that wasn’t true, and when I called him out on it he admitted that he had deeper feelings for me as well, which was so satisfying.

A had been walking the Camino from the Netherlands, so he’s been walking for probably 75 or 76 days. Because of this, he warned our little group from the beginning that he would eventually leave us and walk faster and farther every day because he is ready to get the journey completed. He also told me it would easier to say goodbye now then to get even closer and have to say goodbye later, which is probably true, but I hate it. I am so much of an emotional person that even if this logic makes sense, I don’t care! Anyway, he left, he literally ran away a couple days ago, and I’ve been pretty bummed. And the boys are so sweet, but I don’t think they have any idea I’m as bummed as I am, and if they are aware of it, they haven’t said anything.

A and I had something that will always be very special to me. I think because we were together all the time, and because we knew there was an expiration date to our relationship, we were both very open and honest with each other and told each other things we wouldn’t normally share. I felt like I could totally be myself with him, and I had fun with him, and it was easy and nice. It was an intense relationship that happened in a very short time. I think I liked him because he was so different than me. He is brutally honest, which I feel like I can be, but nothing like A. He is kind of aggressive, but very happy and vibrant and loved people. He did whatever he wanted and didn’t care about what people thought about him. He didn’t worry about whether or not people liked him, he just did his own thing. That was really refreshing and nice. I really hope I can find that someday with someone real for a long time. But, he’s gone.

Anyway, I wish I could say I’ve had big epiphanies on the Camino, but I haven’t had anything earth shattering come up. I will say on the Camino you are walking 20-40 kilometers a day, and you are just sore and tired at the end of the day, and there is nothing like taking your pack off, and your boots off, taking a hot shower, eating dinner, and going to bed. It’s so simple how happy you are just to have those little things. There is no TV, no movies, no video games, no things, no fancy clothes, I didn’t even bring books because I didn’t want the added weight. It’s simply walking and resting, walking and resting, walking and resting, and those simple actions can bring so much happiness. We try to complicate happiness when really it’s very simple.

I have also thought about how I really want to make a better effort to let go of people and things. Life is what it is. I have to stop being so controlling. To say I don’t have any control is not true; I have control over the decisions and actions I take. I mean, I was stuck in a rut for years and I didn’t like how I was feeling so I finally took control. I finally quit and went to Montana and came out here and I am so happy I made that change. I think a lot of people get stuck doing their jobs and even though they would like to travel and would like to make a change they’re too scared to do it. I think you just have to take the plunge at some point. With that said, things are going to happen that I have no control over, but I have to just let them happen. People are going to do things that don’t make any sense to me, but I have to just love them anyway and not try to control them.

Those are my thoughts at this point of the trip. Spain is a beautiful beautiful place. Over and out for now.

Becoming one of those people I admire.

I love personality tests. Wish I could tell you I hate being put into a box, but I don’t. I love it. I am a Capricorn sun/Sagittarius moon (the perfect mix of serious and fun), an ENJF (sometimes INFJ depending on my mood), a Yellow/Blue (or Blue/Yellow), and my aura is Orange (according to BuzzFeed). I recently read about the Habit Personality Quiz in New York Times and had to take it. I am an Upholder. According to the results, I do what others expect of me and I do what I expect of myself. I am self-directed, meet commitments, hit deadlines, fulfill resolutions. Basically I am really good at making goals, creating new habits, and I find comfort in knowing what the expectations are and meeting them. This ability to meet expectations, however, can be a downfall. According to the website, “Upholders may struggle in situations where expectations are not clear. They may feel compelled to meet expectations, even ones that seem pointless. They may feel uneasy when they know they’re breaking the rules, even unnecessary rules. There’s a relentless quality to Upholder-ness, which can be tiring both to Upholders and the people around them.”

At the risk of sounding cliché, this is SO ME. But seriously. I’ve always been really good at goal setting and habit making. I am reliable. I am really good at keeping the rules and doing what is expected of me. That’s why I was so good at being Mormon. I never questioned. I listened to what my authorities told me, and followed, meeting every expectation. But when my faith took a hit and I started questioning and realizing things I’d never considered before, things did not sit well with me, and it got to the point where I could no longer practice the religion in sincerity so I stopped attending. I am not a fence sitter. Even as someone who no longer practices, I still don’t understand them. I am not in any way condemning fence sitters; in fact I really envy them, and think as the Mormon Church progresses, it’s leaders will have to start embracing those members, as the Catholic Church, Judaism, and many other religions have had to. If I could feel the frustrations I feel about the religion, openly disagree with the leaders, drink coffee every morning and wine at night, and then attend church without feeling funny about the whole thing, I probably would. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t struggle with the idea. For me, it’s all or nothing. If I’m going to follow rules, I am going to follow them to the T, and if I no longer believe in the rules, I am going to stop following them, cold turkey.

No longer having a set belief system as an Upholder, however, is a tough transition. I went from having very clear expectations to having none at all, and trying to navigate a world with unclear rules has been incredibly stressful and emotionally taxing. I’ve spent the last couple years trying to create a new system of beliefs for myself, and it’s been rough. I spent all last year trying to prove to my family I was still a good person even if I no longer attended church, trying to live up to whatever expectations would prove this to them. Once I realized it didn’t matter, they would always be worried for me no matter what I did, but they would love me even if I didn’t meet their expectations, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. Like night and day. I went from being worried about everything and having constant anxiety, to just living. I am happier, more carefree. Back to my old self.

This Upholder-ness also translated into my love life. I started dating a guy Spring of last year, and spent months worrying about “The Rules.” Was I texting him too much? Was he not texting or calling me enough? What was our label? Was I his girlfriend? Did we spend enough time together? If you Google any of these things (which I discourage), the Internet will give you lists of rules, and if they aren’t being met, the Internet will tell you to dump the guy. According to the Internet, I should have been dating around and then dumped my guy months ago. But I didn’t. Instead, I realized I was trying to live up to what I thought other people expected of my relationship instead of doing what felt good to me. Both of us knew our time together would be short. He was starting the last year of his master’s degree and would be moving after it’s completion, and I was looking to do some traveling in a year. He is busy with his schooling and has limited time to hang out. Did I expect him to marry me? No. Did I need him to text me all the time and call me every day to feel secure? No. Did I need him to drive down from Logan everyday to see me? No, in fact that would have felt like overkill. I have my own life and friends. Seeing him a few times a month and hearing from him a few times a week felt sufficient for both him and I. So I let go of the rules, and I will tell you the last few months have been dreamy. We did Sundance together, he was my Valentine, I made him birthday dinner, he made me my first Irish Car Bomb, we’ve explored Salt Lake hand-in-hand, made out in a couple movie theaters, cuddled all night, stayed up talking. It’s been really beautiful. I am sad knowing we may never see each other again when I leave, but I’m happy I allowed myself to experience it. And who knows? Hopefully we'll keep in contact and maybe in the future when we’re both ready to settle down we will find each other again. I'm not going to shut that door completely. 

Now I find myself wondering where I’m supposed to be at 31 years old. What  expectations am I supposed to meet? As a Mormon, I felt the expectation was to find a husband and have babies. As a no-longer-practicing Mormon, I feel like the expectation is higher education and a kickass career, which is why I recently applied for a job at the Food Bank that would give me some good experience, look good on a resume, and perhaps translate into a career. I have to admit, though I did want to be offered the job, if I had actually taken it, I think I would have regretted the decision. You see, I have also been applying for different positions at ranches and national parks, hoping to snag a temporary job where I could hike all summer, save some money, and then travel for a while. And I did it! I was offered a job on a ranch! However, when offered the job, I vacillated for a while. Does this meet the expectations of what I should be doing at my age? If I take a job as a cook on a ranch, it isn’t exactly a resume builder. It’s not a high-power career move. It’s maybe even a step back. You know what?

Excuse my French but-- Fuck ‘em all. Expectations, I mean. The ones I’ve made up, the ones I thought my parents made up, the ones society made up. Fuck ‘em. I’m going to work on a ranch in Montana, hike all summer, cook for people, hang out with old cowboys, ride horses, go on boat rides, and save some money because after that I’m going to walk El Camino de Santiago, travel around Central America, and (money permitting) hike parts of Patagonia. I’m letting go of expectations and re-writing my rules.