Becoming one of those people I admire.

I love personality tests. Wish I could tell you I hate being put into a box, but I don’t. I love it. I am a Capricorn sun/Sagittarius moon (the perfect mix of serious and fun), an ENJF (sometimes INFJ depending on my mood), a Yellow/Blue (or Blue/Yellow), and my aura is Orange (according to BuzzFeed). I recently read about the Habit Personality Quiz in New York Times and had to take it. I am an Upholder. According to the results, I do what others expect of me and I do what I expect of myself. I am self-directed, meet commitments, hit deadlines, fulfill resolutions. Basically I am really good at making goals, creating new habits, and I find comfort in knowing what the expectations are and meeting them. This ability to meet expectations, however, can be a downfall. According to the website, “Upholders may struggle in situations where expectations are not clear. They may feel compelled to meet expectations, even ones that seem pointless. They may feel uneasy when they know they’re breaking the rules, even unnecessary rules. There’s a relentless quality to Upholder-ness, which can be tiring both to Upholders and the people around them.”

At the risk of sounding cliché, this is SO ME. But seriously. I’ve always been really good at goal setting and habit making. I am reliable. I am really good at keeping the rules and doing what is expected of me. That’s why I was so good at being Mormon. I never questioned. I listened to what my authorities told me, and followed, meeting every expectation. But when my faith took a hit and I started questioning and realizing things I’d never considered before, things did not sit well with me, and it got to the point where I could no longer practice the religion in sincerity so I stopped attending. I am not a fence sitter. Even as someone who no longer practices, I still don’t understand them. I am not in any way condemning fence sitters; in fact I really envy them, and think as the Mormon Church progresses, it’s leaders will have to start embracing those members, as the Catholic Church, Judaism, and many other religions have had to. If I could feel the frustrations I feel about the religion, openly disagree with the leaders, drink coffee every morning and wine at night, and then attend church without feeling funny about the whole thing, I probably would. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t struggle with the idea. For me, it’s all or nothing. If I’m going to follow rules, I am going to follow them to the T, and if I no longer believe in the rules, I am going to stop following them, cold turkey.

No longer having a set belief system as an Upholder, however, is a tough transition. I went from having very clear expectations to having none at all, and trying to navigate a world with unclear rules has been incredibly stressful and emotionally taxing. I’ve spent the last couple years trying to create a new system of beliefs for myself, and it’s been rough. I spent all last year trying to prove to my family I was still a good person even if I no longer attended church, trying to live up to whatever expectations would prove this to them. Once I realized it didn’t matter, they would always be worried for me no matter what I did, but they would love me even if I didn’t meet their expectations, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. Like night and day. I went from being worried about everything and having constant anxiety, to just living. I am happier, more carefree. Back to my old self.

This Upholder-ness also translated into my love life. I started dating a guy Spring of last year, and spent months worrying about “The Rules.” Was I texting him too much? Was he not texting or calling me enough? What was our label? Was I his girlfriend? Did we spend enough time together? If you Google any of these things (which I discourage), the Internet will give you lists of rules, and if they aren’t being met, the Internet will tell you to dump the guy. According to the Internet, I should have been dating around and then dumped my guy months ago. But I didn’t. Instead, I realized I was trying to live up to what I thought other people expected of my relationship instead of doing what felt good to me. Both of us knew our time together would be short. He was starting the last year of his master’s degree and would be moving after it’s completion, and I was looking to do some traveling in a year. He is busy with his schooling and has limited time to hang out. Did I expect him to marry me? No. Did I need him to text me all the time and call me every day to feel secure? No. Did I need him to drive down from Logan everyday to see me? No, in fact that would have felt like overkill. I have my own life and friends. Seeing him a few times a month and hearing from him a few times a week felt sufficient for both him and I. So I let go of the rules, and I will tell you the last few months have been dreamy. We did Sundance together, he was my Valentine, I made him birthday dinner, he made me my first Irish Car Bomb, we’ve explored Salt Lake hand-in-hand, made out in a couple movie theaters, cuddled all night, stayed up talking. It’s been really beautiful. I am sad knowing we may never see each other again when I leave, but I’m happy I allowed myself to experience it. And who knows? Hopefully we'll keep in contact and maybe in the future when we’re both ready to settle down we will find each other again. I'm not going to shut that door completely. 

Now I find myself wondering where I’m supposed to be at 31 years old. What  expectations am I supposed to meet? As a Mormon, I felt the expectation was to find a husband and have babies. As a no-longer-practicing Mormon, I feel like the expectation is higher education and a kickass career, which is why I recently applied for a job at the Food Bank that would give me some good experience, look good on a resume, and perhaps translate into a career. I have to admit, though I did want to be offered the job, if I had actually taken it, I think I would have regretted the decision. You see, I have also been applying for different positions at ranches and national parks, hoping to snag a temporary job where I could hike all summer, save some money, and then travel for a while. And I did it! I was offered a job on a ranch! However, when offered the job, I vacillated for a while. Does this meet the expectations of what I should be doing at my age? If I take a job as a cook on a ranch, it isn’t exactly a resume builder. It’s not a high-power career move. It’s maybe even a step back. You know what?

Excuse my French but-- Fuck ‘em all. Expectations, I mean. The ones I’ve made up, the ones I thought my parents made up, the ones society made up. Fuck ‘em. I’m going to work on a ranch in Montana, hike all summer, cook for people, hang out with old cowboys, ride horses, go on boat rides, and save some money because after that I’m going to walk El Camino de Santiago, travel around Central America, and (money permitting) hike parts of Patagonia. I’m letting go of expectations and re-writing my rules.