So here I am, walking the Camino, making a recording. I’ve
been meaning to write everything down but I find it daunting to write
everything down in a journal. I just want to sleep at the end of the day. To
sit down and write everything out is hard for me for some reason. Doing a
recording doesn’t seem as daunting, I have time while I’m walking, and I feel
like I can express myself a little better.
Today I left the boys. I’ve been walking with them for half
of my trip so far, and they were great! They are beautiful people! But I was
getting really comfortable with them and I feel like it was keeping me from
meeting other people and maybe doing a little more soul searching. I’m hoping
to meet some new friends along the way. But, you know, I’m also very content walking
by myself every day and just meeting new people at the alburgues I stay at
every night and kind of being at peace by being by myself. I have never had a
problem being alone.
So, at the beginning, the very first day, I saw A, and I
thought he was very cute and very fun, but I didn’t think much of him, and part
of that is my insecurity and not realizing that men find me attractive.
Apparently, and looking back he had, made some attempts at talking to me and
wanting to walk with me and I disregarded it. However we kept running into each other and we
fell into the group of friends with M, S, and S. Now, before I get too far into
A, I will describe the other three. M is from Germany, he is just married, and
his wife is awesome because she was super cool about him doing the Camino
without her. M is quite a jolly, friendly man (he walks like a German, he talks
like a German), and he studied business and will be beginning a job soon in
that field. S is from Poland, he is a doctor (just finished medical school), he
loves ACDC, he is very handsome (we tease him that he is a super model), and he
is pretty conservative so it’s interesting to talk to him because he offers a
different perspective for a young person which I think is good for me! S is
from Australia, he is a lawyer (just finished law school), he is so incredibly
sweet and giving and kind and just one of the best people I’ve ever met. He is
very expressive and has such a good heart. All three of them are in transition
and are taking some time to travel before they begin real jobs. They are great
guys and I have loved spending time with them.
A is a crazy Dutch guy, from the Netherlands, obviously. He
had a pretty different upbringing and he has seen a lot of hard things in his
life so far, but he is such a good person regardless. Because of personal
matters I won’t delve into, A has a hard time getting too close to people he
cares about. So of course, he was the one I fell for. We only knew each other
for 12 days, but when you’re spending 24 hours with someone for 12 days
straight, you really get to know that person pretty well. Obviously there are
still lots of things I don’t know about him, but we were able to get pretty
close and started to really like each other. At one point he accused me of
feeling more deeply for him than he did for me, but I knew that wasn’t true,
and when I called him out on it he admitted that he had deeper feelings for me as well, which was
so satisfying.
A had been walking the Camino from the Netherlands, so he’s
been walking for probably 75 or 76 days. Because of this, he warned our little
group from the beginning that he would eventually leave us and walk faster and
farther every day because he is ready to get the journey completed. He also
told me it would easier to say goodbye now then to get even closer and have to
say goodbye later, which is probably true, but I hate it. I am so much of an
emotional person that even if this logic makes sense, I don’t care! Anyway, he
left, he literally ran away a couple days ago, and I’ve been pretty bummed. And
the boys are so sweet, but I don’t think they have any idea I’m as bummed as I
am, and if they are aware of it, they haven’t said anything.
A and I had something that will always be very special to
me. I think because we were together all the time, and because we knew there
was an expiration date to our relationship, we were both very open and honest
with each other and told each other things we wouldn’t normally share. I felt
like I could totally be myself with him, and I had fun with him, and it was
easy and nice. It was an intense relationship that happened in a very short
time. I think I liked him because he was so different than me. He is brutally
honest, which I feel like I can be, but nothing like A. He is kind of
aggressive, but very happy and vibrant and loved people. He did whatever he
wanted and didn’t care about what people thought about him. He didn’t worry
about whether or not people liked him, he just did his own thing. That was
really refreshing and nice. I really hope I can find that someday with someone
real for a long time. But, he’s gone.
Anyway, I wish I could say I’ve had big epiphanies on the
Camino, but I haven’t had anything earth shattering come up. I will say on the
Camino you are walking 20-40 kilometers a day, and you are just sore and tired
at the end of the day, and there is nothing like taking your pack off, and your
boots off, taking a hot shower, eating dinner, and going to bed. It’s so simple
how happy you are just to have those little things. There is no TV, no movies,
no video games, no things, no fancy clothes, I didn’t even bring books because
I didn’t want the added weight. It’s simply walking and resting, walking and
resting, walking and resting, and those simple actions can bring so much
happiness. We try to complicate happiness when really it’s very simple.
I have also thought about how I really want to make a better
effort to let go of people and things. Life is what it is. I have to stop being
so controlling. To say I don’t have any control is not true; I have control
over the decisions and actions I take. I mean, I was stuck in a rut for years
and I didn’t like how I was feeling so I finally took control. I finally quit and
went to Montana and came out here and I am so happy I made that change. I think
a lot of people get stuck doing their jobs and even though they would like to
travel and would like to make a change they’re too scared to do it. I think you
just have to take the plunge at some point. With that said, things are going to
happen that I have no control over, but I have to just let them happen. People
are going to do things that don’t make any sense to me, but I have to just love
them anyway and not try to control them.
Those are my thoughts at this point of the trip. Spain is a
beautiful beautiful place. Over and out for now.
Love it! - nice words!
ReplyDeleteWalk. Eat. Sleep. Repeat.
Loved that too.
M.
Thanks for sharing. I look forward to hearing more about the trip. Well, more than I've already heard, I guess. :)
ReplyDelete