beep beep beep beep beep

Every time I visit my grandparents in California, my grandma tells me I need to write a book about all my experiences traveling, that she would love to read my stories, which is such a sweet thing for her to say, but it isn't true. I mean, I think she would probably enjoy all the rated G stuff, but I'd want to write about everything, even the rated R stuff, and I know she would not like the rated R stuff. I have thought about giving myself a pseudonym so that I can write about everything without getting myself into trouble with my family because even though they know I am not active in the Mormon faith, there is a lot of don't-ask-don't-tell maneuvering I have to do in order to keep the peace. It is exhausting, to be honest, especially with all the time I've been spending with my family for the last couple months. I am drained, but it is worth it to me to keep the peace. I'm still not at a point where I want to deal with the shit I'd have to deal with if I opened up to my family in full detail about my life, and I don't know if I ever will be. Quite frankly, they don't need to know everything anyway.

I will, however, get into some detail here, though it's not really rated R stuff. Don't get too excited.

In April and May I was in Scandinavia, walking from Oslo to Copenhagen with Adriaan. Adriaan and I met on the Camino de Santiago in Spain almost two years ago, and we have kept in touch everyday since then. I am probably my truest, rawest self with him; he sees the good, the bad, and the ugly. I am incredibly comfortable around him, always have been. He is an important person to me. He is also frustrating, infuriating, charming, funny, kind, not-so-kind, difficult, while also being very easy-going. When people ask me how Scandinavia was, I feel like I have to sugar-coat it and talk about how the scenery was amazing and the food delicious, but really, if I had to use one word to describe Scandinavia, it would be hard. That trek was HARD. Not because the trails were difficult or because we had to deal with bad weather, because besides a coupe rainy days, the weather was perfect and the terrain relatively easy. Nope, it was hard because we were walking together everyday, sleeping in the same tent at night, we didn't have showers so we smelled bad, our muscles were sore, and we didn't really have opportunities to interact with other people. We were with each other 24/7 for 20 days. It was hard. We laughed a lot, had a lot of fun, but we also argued and cried a lot. I learned hard things about myself, #1 being that I sometimes play the victim which causes me to be mad at people and blame them for my anger when they have done nothing wrong. Man, that was a hard realization for me. I hated it. However, I am happy to be made aware. I am a difficult person sometimes, but I want to be better, and I'm trying.

Guess what? Adriaan is also a very difficult person. And guess what? We are still friends. The last day we were in Copenhagen we had a pretty big argument. As we were talking through things he told me that if I never wanted to speak with him again he would understand. He is used to people leaving him and never speaking to him again. I told him I was not going to stop speaking with him, that arguments are a chance for us to reflect on how we can both be better and more understanding of each other. So we worked through the argument and we still talk everyday. He is coming to the States in October and we are going to road trip through the West for a month together. My friends and family who have heard me talk about Adriaan for the last couple years are finally going to meet him. He's gonna charm the socks off of them cuz that's what he does.

Don't get too excited, friends.

You know those people you love so much who end up getting into serious relationships or even getting married after years and years of being single and you see the pictures on Facebook and you get so excited they have found their person? I feel like I am that to a lot of people, so every time I posted a picture or video of Adriaan I felt like I needed to write a disclaimer like, "don't get too excited, friends. I know he's good looking and all, but we are not a couple." Adriaan and I have the kind of relationship I would like to have with someone someday, one that is honest and open and raw, but we are not in love in the gushy, Disney movie sort of way, never have been. I mean, we like to talk, we get excited to see each other, we respect each other, enjoy each other's company, but we never went through that rose-colored-glasses, he/she-can-do-no-wrong phase. I honestly can't decide if that phase is necessary. Maybe it would be best to just skip that part and get into what a true relationship is, which is, ya know, HARD. Relationships are hard! I mean, I have definitely felt butterflies for people, and it is exciting and exhilarating and fun, but it always ends. I don't necessarily trust butterflies. However, it doesn't really matter because the gushy honeymoon feeling is what Adriaan wants, and we don't have it. He wants that Disney romance, and I want Adriaan to be happy, so all I can do is hope he finds that kind of love with someone. And maybe I'll find it too, maybe it does exist, and can actually last, who knows?

Otherwise, I'm happy living my life as I have, which is a good, good life. Costa Rica coming up, Alta again in the winter. I love Alta. I am so excited for the season to start. I'm also so happy to be a crazy, addicted runner. I posted a little about this yesterday, but I am incredibly happy to have discovered running. Running is the most effective method of meditation for me in that it totally clears my mind and causes me to be completely present. When I run, I am focused on what my body feels like, what my surroundings look like, what my path is, and what my end goal is. When I run, all I think about is running. I think it makes me a more peaceful, in-tune, happy person. It is my thing. I want to make yoga my other thing, which is why Costa Rica is exciting. I'll be working at a yoga retreat center and doing yoga twice a day, which will be awesome. Yoga also makes me very aware of my body, my breathing, and puts me at peace. Above all, these activities make me appreciate and love my body. It's a good body.

Anyway, I am sitting in Sugarhouse Coffee in my dear Salt Lake City, a place I love, and it's probably time to release these thoughts into the universe and catch the train home. Peace and love for now.