Watershed

I haven't written and shared anything in a long time. This season at the Goldminer's Daughter I have been working as sous chef, which has ended up taking up most of my time. I work, run, occasionally ski, and sleep. The season is coming to a close and I feel myself coming back to life yet being quite introspective.

Here's the thing: I cringe when I write, I cringe more when I share. It seems so self-indulgent, and why would anyone care about what I have to say anyway? Yet I write and I share. I guess maybe I need validation, or maybe I'm hoping that someone will read what I have to say and gain something from it? Not that I'm the wisest person in the world. I am not. Anyway, here I am, writing and sharing. Stream-of-consciousness, here we go.

I have mentioned this in a pervious post but I think I kind of knew my father was going to pass away. I felt the need to visit home a lot more in the last couple years to spend time with my parents, and felt something heavy in my heart for a couple years leading up to his passing, like something major was going to happen. I was home the week he passed, which I was thankful for. Intuition is a crazy thing, I'm glad I listened to mine. This experience taught me to listen and trust myself with more confidence.

A lot in my head and my heart changed with his passing. I was holding onto people, things, ideas, expectations, and beliefs that all went out the window when dad died. My mindset totally changed. It was similar to leaving Mormonism, and solidified many of the conclusions I had been coming to since leaving the religion.

Here's what I want:

I want to be around people who push me, support me, make me better. I want my relationships to be equal and mutual. I want to be around people who emanate the same energy I do.

I want more experiences and less things. I want to live life as fully as possible.

I want to write a book.

I don't care about what society tells me I should be doing or having. I don't have a car, haven't for 3 (or 4??) years now. I don't own a house, don't know if I will? Don't plan on getting married or having kids anytime soon. I feel great about all these things.

I want to be as healthy, both mentally and physically, as I can be. As much as I have control over, that is.

I want to allow myself to change my mind at any point, because it can and will happen.

I want to be good in the community I live in, good to my friends, good to my family.

I want to get really good at running and rock climbing.

I want to be totally in tune with my body, heart, and mind.

I think that's all for now? The list could change, get shorter, or longer. Who knows?

Here's what I know: I feel really good about myself right now, where I'm at in life, and what the future holds. I am content. I am more present than I've ever been. I'm happy with being a nomad and a wanderer, even if in the eyes of society I look irresponsible. I am happy, and that's what matters. I think too many people worry too much about what they SHOULD be doing. Shoulds don't necessarily make us happy. Maybe they make some people happy, maybe they make you happy, I don't know. But I spent so many years doing what I was told I should do, and once I threw the shoulds out the window, I began living, and became much much happier.

That's all.

PS love you, dad.