Camino Recording Part 3: Let Me Do My Damn Thing

Today is day 20 on the Camino. Yesterday I did almost 50 kilometers, I went from Astorga to Acebo. Astorga was such a beautiful city, I loved walking around in it.

I'm  finding when I walk by myself, once I get to the hostel, there's really not much to do. I guess I could sit and contemplate, but more and more I keep thinking "ahhh I just like constantly moving. I like moving my body, I like getting somewhere, I have energy, I might as well go farther." My body feels fine! My feet want to go!

The plan was to go to Villafranco today. I am still about 10 kilometers out so we'll see how I'm feeling once I get there, but I think I might go farther. There is sunlight until six, so I figure if I get to a place by 5 I should be okay.

When I talk to people about how fast I'm going they think I'm crazy or that I'm going too fast. For example, I met a man from Las Vegas who started calling me an Olympian because he couldn't believe how fast I was going. I also met two men who I ate dinner with last night, one from Italy and one from France, they were very nice, very good company, and they both were amazed at how far and how fast I have gone. You know, I'm not going 50 kilometers to impress people or to amaze people, and honestly it's not even hard for me, I just really enjoy walking. I would rather be walking then sitting around at a hostel. I feel better and I think more clearly when I am on my feet. Getting to a hostel by 3 or 4 or 5 in the evening still gives me time to take a shower and wind down and go to bed early and get ready for the next day. There really is no need to get to a hostel really early in the afternoon, at least not for me. I've had some people tell me that I'm taking it too fast and asking if I'm even able to see the scenery around me, and my answer is always yes! Of course I am seeing what's around me! I walk fast, but that doesn't mean I'm not seeing what's around me. I see the sky, the colors of the trees. Right now I'm walking by all of these grape vies that are different, beautiful colors, and there are birds flying around, the sky is loaded with clouds and they are a bunch of different coloros of gray and blue. It's really beautiful! I am experiencing all of it and seeing all of it, even if I am walking faster than other people. I kind of feel like I'm being judged because of how fast I'm going, but unfairly because I am still experiencing the Camino for myself, it's just at my own pace, which happens to be a little fast.

A lot of people have said "the Camino doesn't change, the Camino changes you." I'm sure I've been changed and I'll continue to change until the end, but I'm not really sure how I'm changing, and that's something I need to contemplate the next couple days. I think I'm learning to be at peace with and happy with myself.

Oh! I ran into this group of people yesterday when I got to Acebo. I was sitting in the bar and they came in to get a drink, and they were on their way to Mansilla. One of the guys, when I told him I had walked from Astorga, was just amazed, he couldn't believe it. He told me my eyes must have turned blue on the way. His name is Manuel, and I came across him and his group again today, and I thought about walking with them the rest of the way, and did walk with them a little today, but then they were just going so slow! I moved passed them, but they were a fun group. He took a lot of pictures of me. Hopefully he looks back on them fondly. Manuel, Anna, Franny, and a guy from Germany whose name I can't remember but he spoke very good Spanish.

There's an update for now. More to come.

Camino Recordings Part Two: A Frustrating Day

[This is a transcript of the second recording I did on El Camino de Santiago]

Today is Saturday, October 31st, and I was supposed to stop in Leon, but

(The recording pauses)

Sorry, I had to stop and go pee, it was an emergency. When I pass through a city and have to go pee, I feel bad just going into a bar to use the restroom without buying something, so then I have to wait until I get into the outskirts to find a tree to pee behind, and by the time that happens I am about ready to pee my pants.

Anyway.

So, today I was supposed to stop in Leon, but when I got there, I didn't have a good feeling. The municipal albergue was really gross and dingy looking, and the last few days I've been staying in some pretty gross albergues so I was looking forward to a nice one, like the one in Burgos, but it did not look like that. So I'm really, really hoping the next city I get to, which is Villadagos, has a nice albergue where I can rest and feel at ease. But also there were these guys in Leon, which, a couple of them were really cool, but one of them, he was this big, old, overweight German dude who kept staring at me like he wanted to eat me, and I didn't really like that so much. It was making me feel pretty gross so I felt like I needed to get out of there. I thought I would stay in La Virgen Del Camino, but there wasn't really an albergue I could see, and there were these people fighting in the street. I don't know, I just had this really weird feeling in Leon, so I am out of there. Which means this is my third day of doing 40 kilometers in a row, and I actually feel really good today, I feel like my legs are really strong. It's like I couldn't stop! I wanted to keep going, it's like my legs don't want to stop, so I've kept going and going and going. BUT I'm really going to have to take a break tomorrow whether I like it or not. I think my body needs at least a half a day of rest.

Can I just say, I hate cars?! I hate them! The Camino the last three days has been along the highway here, and it is so distracting! And not peaceful AT ALL! Here we go, two trucks. (Trucks zoom by). And then a string of cars following (traffic noise in the background). You see what I'm saying? It's not peaceful which is part of the reason why I decided to walk a little farther the last few days.

(Motorcycle zooms past)

GAH Fucking motorcycle! Ughhh

Anyway, that's part of the reason why I decided to walk a little farther because I want to get the hell out of civilization, it's making me crazy! Oh my gosh! I've been spoiled by these small villages that have been in the mountains and so dealing with these big cities with tons of cars along the highway, I hate it. It's making me crazy. I had to get out of there.

It's too bad because I was going to party in Leon tonight, but oh well. Guess I get a night of peace on Halloween.

I'm feeling a bit frustrated today, if you can't tell. I felt like I needed to leave the guys, but I'm sad because I really miss them. I'm hoping that I will see them before the end. I'm about four days ahead, so I'll have a few days to kill in Santiago before my flight leaves, so I'm guessing I'll see the guys again there. I really felt like I needed to leave them, and I still feel that way, but I haven't really fallen into place with a new group yet, and I would like to meet some new people, so I'm hoping in the course of the next few days I meet some new people. And that I get the fuck out of this hell hole of a highway!

Over and out.

Body Talk

I love my body.

I have insecurities about my body, as most women and men do. I have a pooch, and no matter how much weight I lose, no matter how much I run or how many ab workouts I do, and no matter how many times I tell myself it's normal as a woman to have a little pooch,  I will always have that pooch and I will always be a little self-conscious about it. I have cellulite on my legs, which bothers me because I have muscular legs but I feel like the cellulite distracts from the muscles, so my legs don't look as nice as I think they could. But these insecurities are stupid, and vain, and most of the time I don't even care about them. Most of the time I really, really love my body.

I love what my body can do. I love that I can run 6 miles at a time and feel great. I love that I can hike big mountains like a champ. I love that I did a 500-mile pilgrimage, sometimes walking 30 miles a day, and my body didn't quit on me. I love that I can do push-ups and burpees and mountain climbers and squats and get really sore but feel so good. I love how my body repairs itself and how I continue to do amazing things with it.

I love how my body moves. Dancing is one of my favorite things to do, especially naked dancing, especially naked dancing in the mirror, because I can see how my body looks and how it moves. I love the curves and I love making the curves curve.

When I eat good food, I like to think about that food breaking down and providing me with the strength and nutrients I need to have a healthy-functioning body. In my imagination, every fruit, vegetable, grain, and piece of chocolate is a character playing a role in how my body will function. I like knowing what I put into my mouth will do good things to my body.

I want everyone to see my body. Not because I want to seduce them and not because I think its the greatest body in the world, but because I love it, and I'm proud of it, and it's the only thing I have.

Its weird, I know, but I can't help it. I love my body.

Camino Recordings Part 1

So here I am, walking the Camino, making a recording. I’ve been meaning to write everything down but I find it daunting to write everything down in a journal. I just want to sleep at the end of the day. To sit down and write everything out is hard for me for some reason. Doing a recording doesn’t seem as daunting, I have time while I’m walking, and I feel like I can express myself a little better.

Today I left the boys. I’ve been walking with them for half of my trip so far, and they were great! They are beautiful people! But I was getting really comfortable with them and I feel like it was keeping me from meeting other people and maybe doing a little more soul searching. I’m hoping to meet some new friends along the way.  But, you know, I’m also very content walking by myself every day and just meeting new people at the alburgues I stay at every night and kind of being at peace by being by myself. I have never had a problem being alone.

So, at the beginning, the very first day, I saw A, and I thought he was very cute and very fun, but I didn’t think much of him, and part of that is my insecurity and not realizing that men find me attractive. Apparently, and looking back he had, made some attempts at talking to me and wanting to walk with me and I disregarded it.  However we kept running into each other and we fell into the group of friends with M, S, and S. Now, before I get too far into A, I will describe the other three. M is from Germany, he is just married, and his wife is awesome because she was super cool about him doing the Camino without her. M is quite a jolly, friendly man (he walks like a German, he talks like a German), and he studied business and will be beginning a job soon in that field. S is from Poland, he is a doctor (just finished medical school), he loves ACDC, he is very handsome (we tease him that he is a super model), and he is pretty conservative so it’s interesting to talk to him because he offers a different perspective for a young person which I think is good for me! S is from Australia, he is a lawyer (just finished law school), he is so incredibly sweet and giving and kind and just one of the best people I’ve ever met. He is very expressive and has such a good heart. All three of them are in transition and are taking some time to travel before they begin real jobs. They are great guys and I have loved spending time with them.

A is a crazy Dutch guy, from the Netherlands, obviously. He had a pretty different upbringing and he has seen a lot of hard things in his life so far, but he is such a good person regardless. Because of personal matters I won’t delve into, A has a hard time getting too close to people he cares about. So of course, he was the one I fell for. We only knew each other for 12 days, but when you’re spending 24 hours with someone for 12 days straight, you really get to know that person pretty well. Obviously there are still lots of things I don’t know about him, but we were able to get pretty close and started to really like each other. At one point he accused me of feeling more deeply for him than he did for me, but I knew that wasn’t true, and when I called him out on it he admitted that he had deeper feelings for me as well, which was so satisfying.

A had been walking the Camino from the Netherlands, so he’s been walking for probably 75 or 76 days. Because of this, he warned our little group from the beginning that he would eventually leave us and walk faster and farther every day because he is ready to get the journey completed. He also told me it would easier to say goodbye now then to get even closer and have to say goodbye later, which is probably true, but I hate it. I am so much of an emotional person that even if this logic makes sense, I don’t care! Anyway, he left, he literally ran away a couple days ago, and I’ve been pretty bummed. And the boys are so sweet, but I don’t think they have any idea I’m as bummed as I am, and if they are aware of it, they haven’t said anything.

A and I had something that will always be very special to me. I think because we were together all the time, and because we knew there was an expiration date to our relationship, we were both very open and honest with each other and told each other things we wouldn’t normally share. I felt like I could totally be myself with him, and I had fun with him, and it was easy and nice. It was an intense relationship that happened in a very short time. I think I liked him because he was so different than me. He is brutally honest, which I feel like I can be, but nothing like A. He is kind of aggressive, but very happy and vibrant and loved people. He did whatever he wanted and didn’t care about what people thought about him. He didn’t worry about whether or not people liked him, he just did his own thing. That was really refreshing and nice. I really hope I can find that someday with someone real for a long time. But, he’s gone.

Anyway, I wish I could say I’ve had big epiphanies on the Camino, but I haven’t had anything earth shattering come up. I will say on the Camino you are walking 20-40 kilometers a day, and you are just sore and tired at the end of the day, and there is nothing like taking your pack off, and your boots off, taking a hot shower, eating dinner, and going to bed. It’s so simple how happy you are just to have those little things. There is no TV, no movies, no video games, no things, no fancy clothes, I didn’t even bring books because I didn’t want the added weight. It’s simply walking and resting, walking and resting, walking and resting, and those simple actions can bring so much happiness. We try to complicate happiness when really it’s very simple.

I have also thought about how I really want to make a better effort to let go of people and things. Life is what it is. I have to stop being so controlling. To say I don’t have any control is not true; I have control over the decisions and actions I take. I mean, I was stuck in a rut for years and I didn’t like how I was feeling so I finally took control. I finally quit and went to Montana and came out here and I am so happy I made that change. I think a lot of people get stuck doing their jobs and even though they would like to travel and would like to make a change they’re too scared to do it. I think you just have to take the plunge at some point. With that said, things are going to happen that I have no control over, but I have to just let them happen. People are going to do things that don’t make any sense to me, but I have to just love them anyway and not try to control them.

Those are my thoughts at this point of the trip. Spain is a beautiful beautiful place. Over and out for now.

Becoming one of those people I admire.

I love personality tests. Wish I could tell you I hate being put into a box, but I don’t. I love it. I am a Capricorn sun/Sagittarius moon (the perfect mix of serious and fun), an ENJF (sometimes INFJ depending on my mood), a Yellow/Blue (or Blue/Yellow), and my aura is Orange (according to BuzzFeed). I recently read about the Habit Personality Quiz in New York Times and had to take it. I am an Upholder. According to the results, I do what others expect of me and I do what I expect of myself. I am self-directed, meet commitments, hit deadlines, fulfill resolutions. Basically I am really good at making goals, creating new habits, and I find comfort in knowing what the expectations are and meeting them. This ability to meet expectations, however, can be a downfall. According to the website, “Upholders may struggle in situations where expectations are not clear. They may feel compelled to meet expectations, even ones that seem pointless. They may feel uneasy when they know they’re breaking the rules, even unnecessary rules. There’s a relentless quality to Upholder-ness, which can be tiring both to Upholders and the people around them.”

At the risk of sounding cliché, this is SO ME. But seriously. I’ve always been really good at goal setting and habit making. I am reliable. I am really good at keeping the rules and doing what is expected of me. That’s why I was so good at being Mormon. I never questioned. I listened to what my authorities told me, and followed, meeting every expectation. But when my faith took a hit and I started questioning and realizing things I’d never considered before, things did not sit well with me, and it got to the point where I could no longer practice the religion in sincerity so I stopped attending. I am not a fence sitter. Even as someone who no longer practices, I still don’t understand them. I am not in any way condemning fence sitters; in fact I really envy them, and think as the Mormon Church progresses, it’s leaders will have to start embracing those members, as the Catholic Church, Judaism, and many other religions have had to. If I could feel the frustrations I feel about the religion, openly disagree with the leaders, drink coffee every morning and wine at night, and then attend church without feeling funny about the whole thing, I probably would. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t struggle with the idea. For me, it’s all or nothing. If I’m going to follow rules, I am going to follow them to the T, and if I no longer believe in the rules, I am going to stop following them, cold turkey.

No longer having a set belief system as an Upholder, however, is a tough transition. I went from having very clear expectations to having none at all, and trying to navigate a world with unclear rules has been incredibly stressful and emotionally taxing. I’ve spent the last couple years trying to create a new system of beliefs for myself, and it’s been rough. I spent all last year trying to prove to my family I was still a good person even if I no longer attended church, trying to live up to whatever expectations would prove this to them. Once I realized it didn’t matter, they would always be worried for me no matter what I did, but they would love me even if I didn’t meet their expectations, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. Like night and day. I went from being worried about everything and having constant anxiety, to just living. I am happier, more carefree. Back to my old self.

This Upholder-ness also translated into my love life. I started dating a guy Spring of last year, and spent months worrying about “The Rules.” Was I texting him too much? Was he not texting or calling me enough? What was our label? Was I his girlfriend? Did we spend enough time together? If you Google any of these things (which I discourage), the Internet will give you lists of rules, and if they aren’t being met, the Internet will tell you to dump the guy. According to the Internet, I should have been dating around and then dumped my guy months ago. But I didn’t. Instead, I realized I was trying to live up to what I thought other people expected of my relationship instead of doing what felt good to me. Both of us knew our time together would be short. He was starting the last year of his master’s degree and would be moving after it’s completion, and I was looking to do some traveling in a year. He is busy with his schooling and has limited time to hang out. Did I expect him to marry me? No. Did I need him to text me all the time and call me every day to feel secure? No. Did I need him to drive down from Logan everyday to see me? No, in fact that would have felt like overkill. I have my own life and friends. Seeing him a few times a month and hearing from him a few times a week felt sufficient for both him and I. So I let go of the rules, and I will tell you the last few months have been dreamy. We did Sundance together, he was my Valentine, I made him birthday dinner, he made me my first Irish Car Bomb, we’ve explored Salt Lake hand-in-hand, made out in a couple movie theaters, cuddled all night, stayed up talking. It’s been really beautiful. I am sad knowing we may never see each other again when I leave, but I’m happy I allowed myself to experience it. And who knows? Hopefully we'll keep in contact and maybe in the future when we’re both ready to settle down we will find each other again. I'm not going to shut that door completely. 

Now I find myself wondering where I’m supposed to be at 31 years old. What  expectations am I supposed to meet? As a Mormon, I felt the expectation was to find a husband and have babies. As a no-longer-practicing Mormon, I feel like the expectation is higher education and a kickass career, which is why I recently applied for a job at the Food Bank that would give me some good experience, look good on a resume, and perhaps translate into a career. I have to admit, though I did want to be offered the job, if I had actually taken it, I think I would have regretted the decision. You see, I have also been applying for different positions at ranches and national parks, hoping to snag a temporary job where I could hike all summer, save some money, and then travel for a while. And I did it! I was offered a job on a ranch! However, when offered the job, I vacillated for a while. Does this meet the expectations of what I should be doing at my age? If I take a job as a cook on a ranch, it isn’t exactly a resume builder. It’s not a high-power career move. It’s maybe even a step back. You know what?

Excuse my French but-- Fuck ‘em all. Expectations, I mean. The ones I’ve made up, the ones I thought my parents made up, the ones society made up. Fuck ‘em. I’m going to work on a ranch in Montana, hike all summer, cook for people, hang out with old cowboys, ride horses, go on boat rides, and save some money because after that I’m going to walk El Camino de Santiago, travel around Central America, and (money permitting) hike parts of Patagonia. I’m letting go of expectations and re-writing my rules.

Out with the old, in with the new

2014 has turned out to be one of the darkest and hardest of my life, which is disappointing because my horoscope for the year was so hopeful. There have been some really great moments, but on the whole, 2014 has kicked my ass. Here are some lessons I've learned:

-I love my family so much, but I don't care about making them proud anymore. Their guilt trips, lectures, expectations, etc don't work anymore. I've become numb to them. Not that I intend to go and live a reckless life, but I've figured out that success in the eyes of my parents means always being an active member of the LDS faith. Nothing else really matters to them; that is their paradigm and they cannot see beyond it. I honestly feel that even if I were to find the cure for cancer or end world hunger, my parents would still be saddened by me because I no longer believe. This has been one of the biggest struggles and sadnesses in 2014. I've had panic attacks and many many many sleepless nights because of hurtful and/or presumptuous things that have been said to or about me. So, it doesn't matter that I volunteer every week at the refugee center, doesn't matter that I donate to different charities every month, doesn't matter that I worked Candy Cane Corner during December, gathered winter clothes for refugees, deliver food to sweet old ladies every month, doesn't matter that my profession revolves around feeding the hungry, doesn't matter that I am a good friend who takes care of people as best I can, none of it matters. My mother is still disappointed. So I will continue to better myself, better my community, spread my love as far as possible, but I will no longer expect it to make a difference in the way people see me. Because it doesn't. I love my family, and I know they love me. I will be there if they ever need me, but I also will have no qualms about living the life I want to live, though it goes against the life they want me to live.

- Poor R. He had no idea what he was getting himself into. Granted, he's had his share of issues this year and he has been horrible at communicating with me. But R was exciting. Not because of who he actually was, but because of who he was in my mind. He's earning a Masters in ecology, has travelled all over the world, works for Yellowstone during the summer and tracks animals. He's living a life of adventure, and I liked living through him. If I'm being honest with myself, our relationship was never meant to be what I hoped it to be, and I'm not even sure how attracted I actually was to him, but he brought excitement into my mundane life. He's done things I wish I had done, lived the life I wish I had lived. I wish I could tell you he always made me feel beautiful, safe, secure and confident, that he took good care of me, called me just to tell me sweet nothing's, made impromptu visits just to see my face. He didn't. But he filled my mind with such wonderful fantasies when he was away, and filled my world with such surreal emotions when he was around, I didn't want to let him go. It wasn't fair of me. Then again, he wasn't fair to me either. We used each other. It was painful, so painful, but so beautiful and romantic and passionate. The time we actually spent together was so dreamy I had to pinch myself to make sure it was actually happening. I wanted the dream to last, but eventually I had to wake up. Waking up is hard to do. Is it weird to say I'm happy it happened, even if it ended? At least I can say I had a magical time. Time to rise and shine.

-I'm so happy I am not married. They say no one will love you unless you love yourself, which I think is complete bullshit. I know plenty of people who are loved who don't love themselves. And besides, I feel like I have a pretty good sense of self-love. But there is a lot about myself and about this big world of ours that I still want to explore and discover. Enough of living vicariously through others. I'm going to start living the life I've always wanted to live, and so thank God I'm single and I can have my adventure with no obligation to anyone but myself.

- The internet is full of bullshit. Do you know how many times this last year I've been convinced I had some major disease? Or that I needed to stop being myself and learn how to play the game so as to be more desirable? Or how many times I saw Kim Kardashian's photoshopped butt? The internet, and my impulse to google everything, just adds more anxiety to my already anxious mind. Guess what? I will never be good at playing the game. I am as straight talking and honest as they come. Just gotta meet someone who likes that in a woman. And my aches and pains? They have everything to do with all the stress I've been dealing with all year, not cancer. Shut up, internet. I'm not listening anymore.

- I gotta be me. I have to stop letting the advice of others, well intentioned as it may be, get into my head and overwhelm me. Gotta shut them out, live in the moment, do what feels right, and be me.

I know, I know. The idea of a new beginning at the new year is perhaps cliche, a new beginning could happen at anytime, but I have to say I am so excited to leave the old behind and start fresh and new at the new year. I like the tradition. How lucky that a new birth year happens at the same time for me. It's a baptism of sorts, being washed cleaned from the past year. Maybe it sounds dramatic, but I already feel different, in a good way. A peaceful way. I feel really good about 2015. I'm not even gonna read my horoscope.

Poet Didn't Know It

Penitence

My perseverance was a plague, a perplexing

Plague which propelled

You away.

My pitiful pushing was an attempt

At piercing and penetrating

Your heart.

I thought with pushing and pleading,

Perusal and passion,

I’d win.

But it all proved pernicious.

A pathetic plan, that lead

To pathos.

Crush

I have learned about

The falsity of romance;

Love at first sight isn’t real,

It is a protrusion,

            A fantasy.

Yet I find myself longing

For the quixotic.

I yearn to be jittery,

To give and to catch glances,

            To play.

I desire the jocundity

And the felicity that comes

With the uncertainty

And the stupidity

            Of infatuation.        

CS

Raggedy Ann sits on my desk;

She is an old porcelain figurine

Wearing a dress painted yellow and blue,

The dust has settled in the cracks of her orange hair.

My mother painted her. On the

Back are her initials: CS.

Christy Stultz.

Her maiden name was Christy Chinn,

Her name now Christy Heywood.

Christy Stultz.

This name represents a time in between;

A liminal space after her childhood and

Before she became the mother I

Know her to be.

A time in my mother’s life

Which remains a mystery to me,

A time I will never fully understand.

With a child, a faith, and a determination

Which kept her going, she was experiencing

Things that would make her

The woman she is now.

Summer Rides

The summer after graduation,

I felt trapped in my town.

I couldn’t stand being home,

            Or being at work

            Or any place where people were around.

I wanted to be

Alone.

I used to tell my parents

I was going to a friend’s house.

My mother worried

About the "burn-out" friends I spent time with, but

She had no reason to worry.

Most of the time I took

My sister’s car

And went for drives.

I would let the windows down

And listen to Stairway to Heaven,

The smell of wet alfalfa

And roses flowing

In

and

out

Of the car with the wind.

These were moments

Of peace

            And freedom

            And joy;

Moments I wanted to last

Forever,

But I knew they would end.

I would have to go back home

Or go back to work,

Trapped in a world

I didn’t want to be in anymore.

I longed for a world of my own.

I longed for the solitude 

And freedom of

Independence.

"Music. The great blobs of purple and red emotion have not touched him. He has only heard what I felt. He is far away and I see him but dimly across the ocean and the continent that have fallen between us. He is so pale with his whiteness then and I am so colored."-Zora Neale Hurston

To Zora Neale Hurston

I can feel the colors of the music:

Red

                                                Blue

                                   

                        Yellow

                                    Green

                       

                                                                                    Orange

Purple

                                                Pink

As the melodies mix with the harmonies and

The rhythms Pow

                             Boom

                                    Da,

 The shades mix together:

They

                        S

                              W

                                    I

                              R

                        L

They

                                    N

                        A                      C

            D                                             E

They

          P           L             A             Y             

Creating a climax of colors
In my body.

Ms. Hurston, 

I can feel the music too.