What is love? Baby don't hurt me

Last night when we spoke I told him I was sad because I didn't think he really understood how magical I am. 

"Oh Marie," he said "I know you are magic." 

But then he kept contradicting himself. 

"I do not feel butterflies when I see you."

"You are an American and I am European. We cannot be together."

"But I actually think butterflies are shit."

"You are very beautiful."

"It doesn't matter if I love you a lot, I am the man who I am."

"I am shit at relationships."

"You are a strong woman."

"We would have beautiful children, and you would be a good mother."

"But it can never happen."

I still don't understand him, and I don't think he understands himself.

But this is why I have not been able to let him go:

He makes me laugh. We have fun together. He lost one of his running shoes at the gym, and ordered new ones online, but they hadn't come in the mail yet so he went and bought new running shoes so we could go running together while I visited. We push each other. He is good with children. He does the dishes. He cooks. He walks on the outside of the sidewalk to keep me from cars. He is a protector. He works with his hands. He is clever. He loves his family and takes care of them. He had to grow up at a very young age, and although he is a playful boy at times, he is a man. He cares more about exercise and healthy eating than he does about watching the latest TV show. He is informed. He makes me feel safe. I am comfortable with him. 

I always flash back to this time on the Camino when we had fallen behind the rest of our group, but we wanted to catch up with them. With our heavy packs on, we held hands and ran up and down steep hills. We passed people on the trail, running, laughing, and they looked at us like we were crazy. We didn't care. When I fell behind him because my pack was heavy on my shoulders, he pulled me forward and encouraged me. When he got tired but saw me walking ahead, he pushed himself and kept up. We trusted each other. We were a team. 

I don't feel butterflies when I am with him either. But I would move to Europe for him, because he is a good, strong man. My animal instincts are drawn to him. I have a lot of love for him, and, in his words, I can nothing do about it.