Thoughts from the road

May 28th 2016--
I finally made some friends! For the last few days, there has been the same group of people staying at the same hostels every night, which is so nice. There are two older guys from Holland, who are really sweet and funny (I love the Dutch!), Dennis from France, Marj from Montana, and Medi from France. The Dutch guys ended up staying in Porto for a couple extra days, Dennis walked ahead a couple days ago, and Marj is behind by a day now, but Medi and I are on the same track.

I've been trying to ask everyone what they think love is, but I only remembered to bring it up with Marj and Medi. Marj's husband passed away a few years ago, but she talked about him a lot. I told her I could tell she really loved her husband, so I asked her how they met. She said they worked together as medical professionals for 4 years before they got married, and then worked together for 30 more years after that. When I asked her if she ever felt butterflies for him, she just laughed and said, "no, never." Her relationship with her husband was founded on mutual respect and companionship. She said they were both introverts, didn't really talk much, but when they did they had really good conversations. They never fought, and she knew that her husband always respected everything she said, even if he didn't agree with her. They took care of each other and went on adventures together, but she didn't describe it as a sweeping, butterflies-in-the-stomach romance, but more friendship and caring, perhaps what could be described as a more practical type of love.

Medi is so sweet. He asks everyone he meets so many questions, and listens so intently. He is genuinely interested in getting to know people deeply, which is a magical thing to witness. And he is hilarious! When we walked through Porto together, I guess some guy was checking me out and he said, "that guy just looked at your legs like he had never seen legs before!" Maybe that isn't as funny on paper, but the way he said it and the look on his face made me laugh so hard.

Medi's thoughts on love have been the most significant to me so far. He has been with his partner for 13 years, but he said, "if he ever wanted to be with someone else, I would not stop him. I want him to be happy. Love is letting the other person do whatever makes them happy and not trying to control them." I've heard this logic before. You know, the idea that if you love someone you have to set them free? In the past I've always rolled my eyes at this sentiment, because I can be a bit possessive in love, so it didn't make sense to me. I have always wanted someone to love me fully and completely, and only me, forever. As I have gotten older, and as my views on so many things have changed, my view on this idea has changed as well. I think it shows a lot of respect and maturity to let the person you love live the life they want to live, and love them anyway, even if their choices don't lead them to you. I have no control over another person. They are going to do and feel however they want, and I can't stop them. I've always wanted to be the type of person who could just let go, but my personality has a hard time allowing for it. However, for some reason, as Medi was telling me all of this, a switch flipped in my brain, and I thought back on all the times I tried to control past lovers, even if I didn't realize I was doing it, and I was so ashamed! My desire to control them showed my lack of confidence in myself. Whether or not a person falls in love with me, and/or stays with me forever does not reflect my worth. I am beautiful, strong, smart, funny, etc, regardless. So if I truly love someone, I have to let them live however they are going to live and not worry about it. If they choose me, cool, if not, cool. Whatever makes them happy. I love this way of thinking so much better. Not only does it free the other person, but it frees me as well.

May 31st--
I've lost Medi! He went a different route than me (and took the train for part of it), so he is a day ahead. It's all good; a couple nights ago I hung out with this hilarious couple from Australia who just kept pouring me more and more red wine...I slept well that night! Yesterday I did 40 kilometers, up the steepest part of this Camino, and it was so much fun. I started running and up and down the rocky path, because I just felt like running (I get it, Forrest Gump). All these old people kept looking at me like I was crazy, and many of them cheered me on, but honestly, when I see 70+ year olds doing these long strenuous hikes I am totally in admiration. I think they are amazing. Hopefully I will be going on such adventures when I am older as well.

A couple days ago I met a girl walking the Camino with her 3 month old. She said a lot of people tell her she is stupid and reckless for it, but I couldn't help but be in awe. That takes guts. Then the next day I saw a couple with a baby walking it as well! Super parents, also an inspiration for me.

After my conversation with Medi about love, I haven't thought about the meaning of romantic love since. I think the idea of loving and living and not having expectations for the other person is perfect. That is beautiful love, I think. What I have been thinking a lot about is how I don't feel like I really have a home anymore. Like, nothing feels like home. I miss California when I am away, I miss Utah when I leave, I missed Spain when I finished my first Camino, today I crossed the border from Portugal into Spain and automatically started missing Portugal. I miss The Netherlands like crazy. I'm excited to go to Germany and Denmark, and I will probably miss them when I leave. I am always longing to visit old places while at the same time excited to explore new ones. Everywhere and nowhere feel like home, both at the same time. I don't have a place. When people ask me what I do for a living, I tell them I am a vagabond, because I don't know what else to tell them! I quit my "real adult job" a year ago and have been wandering since. I am a wanderer. An explorer. And I wonder if I will ever find a home.

(On an unrelated note, Spain has the best coffee IN THE WORLD and Portugal the best croissants. I also associate the Camino with Magnum bars and Milka with Oreos, and have been eating a lot of those things as well. I feel really good about it. I burn about 2500 calories a day hiking so whatevzzzzz.)