I'm 30 years old and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I majored in English in college, not because I wanted to be a teacher (had I been smart enough I would have completed an English Teaching degree), but because I liked to read and write. Actually, if I'm being completely honest with myself, it was because I switched majors a hundred times and English seemed like an easy way to finally finish my degree. My plan was to get married and be a stay at home mother. At the time I was very actively Mormon, and as a Mormon woman, the goal was to be a wife and have children. It's what my grandmothers had done, my mother had done, and my oldest sister had done, and that was my plan. My parents were actually really good at telling us girls that we needed to be independent, needed to be able to take care of ourselves, but they didn't really show us how to do that. Though they wanted and encouraged us to succeed, my parents were too busy to help us fill out college applications, push us to apply for scholarships, force us to take vocational classes, or give us any direction at all really. On top of this, they told us they would love us no matter what, which is beautiful, but with absolutely no pressure from them and left to our own devices, we didn't really know what to do with ourselves. There were no college tracks, no 10 year plans. This lack of direction, along with the cultural idea of marriage and family being the end-all, left me completely lost.
What's funny is I never really imagined myself a stay-at-home mother anyway. I imagined myself a painter, or a famous author, or a singer-songwriter (the world's next Carole King). I dabbled in all of those things, but never felt I was good enough to make it big in any of them, so when I graduated from college boyfriend-less with an English degree, I had no idea what to do. It was depressing.
Owning a business was something I had always thought of doing, so for a couple years I saved up some money, wrote a business plan, and I opened a pizza restaurant. I closed the restaurant 8 months later $13,000 in debt. I considered going the teaching route, so I applied to Teach for America, and actually got accepted, but rejected the offer after reading article after article about how corrupt the corps had become. I recently applied for and got into Westminster to start a degree in Community Leadership, but the more money I realized I would be paying for the degree verses how much the degree would actually make me, the less I wanted to pursue a Master's degree in that area. I figure experience trumps a degree, and I could sit in a classroom and learn about different communities, or just start working in them. So I started volunteering at a few different places. Though I do not regret any of these decisions, they have left me in a rut I do not know how to get out of.
I currently work at the Utah Food Bank as an Inventory Clerk. When I tell people I work at the Food Bank, they are automatically impressed and think I must be the most charitable person in the world, and though I like knowing what I do makes a difference (a lot of the time the mission of the food bank is the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning), my job is ultimately just a job. It is what my 20-year-old self would have considered a grown-up job to be: I work full-time, have benefits, get holiday bonuses, vacation and sick days, and even have a 403b (nonprofit 401k). I have my own apartment, have friends I do fun things with, go on vacations, etc. I cook for myself, do my own laundry, get myself ready in the morning, take myself to doctor's appointments. I even enjoy going to the ballet and the symphony, listen to NPR, read the news every morning, donate to charities, and can't stand the music all the young kids are listening to these days. By all intents and purposes, I am a grown-up. But I still don't feel like an adult.
Here's where all the married people tell me it's time to settle down. What is missing is a husband and some babies. Maybe that's true. After all, my whole life I had been told, and had fully believed (up until a couple years ago) having a family was the sole purpose of life. Though I think there are a lot of married people who are just as lost as I am, trying to convince my psyche of that is a difficult thing to do. There is something deeply ingrained in me which cannot shake the idea that marriage and family are the things I have to accomplish in order to really feel like an adult.
Now, here's where it gets tricky: I no longer think being a wife and mother is the end-all. Don't get me wrong; I think it would be wonderful to be in a committed relationship and have a baby or two someday, and I'm sure it will be incredibly fulfilling, but I'm no longer in a big hurry, which is a wonderful feeling, actually. I feel free! It's just that now I feel like need to figure out what to do with myself instead. And no matter how many hobbies I pick up, how many causes I donate to, organizations I volunteer at, years of job experience I acquire, friends I make, dates I go on, pounds I lose, I still do not feel I have reached my potential, or found what I am truly passionate about. I think I view my career choice as people view the person they will choose to marry: I want to fall head-over-heels in love with it. I am incredibly picky. The ones I really want I don't feel like I'm good enough for. Right now I have settled, and everyone tells me I deserve better, and I know I do, but I don't know what I want so it's impossible for me to find something better.
I may end up selling everything I have and moving someplace completely new. Starting from scratch. At this point that feels like the most promising solution. Other than that, if anyone is looking to start a travelling gypsy band and would like a tambourine and guitar playing back-up singer, I'm your girl.
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