Music as a Replacement for Love

There is no security in love, at least that is my experience with it. Perhaps if you find someone who you truly connect with, someone willing to compromise and sacrifice for you, someone willing to love you despite of, or (better yet) because of your quirks, someone who will always think “the sun shines out your ass,” well then, in that case, perhaps there can be security in love.

I see my best friend Kelsie with her husband Dave, and I can tell they feel secure with each other. They argue sometimes and get on each other’s nerves, but they adore each other. Dave laughs at Kelsie’s silly jokes, and Kelsie giggles and flirts with Dave. They look at each other differently than they look at anyone else. I love to watch them. They are  confident in each other.

But I have not found such a person. I am not saying I never will; miracles happen. I just don’t know if I am capable of love, and I don’t know if I even want it. What I mean is, love, romantic love, makes me irrational and I am already an incredibly irrational person. I am impulsive and emotional. I am not logical. I look into everything. I argue at inappropriate times and I hate being wrong. Love magnifies these imperfections. It makes me uncomfortable. I like to be in control of myself and love makes me feel like I have no control. It makes me do things I don’t want to do.

I suppose I could see love as an exercise in patience and self-control, but it is just so damn hard. Too damn hard. I would rather avoid it.

Maybe I’m defeatist?

Nope. I am just lazy, and I hate being made aware of my flaws, which is exactly what romance does to me.

Music, on the other hand, makes me feel good. Music makes me feel lustful, beautiful, sad, hurt, happy, elated, sexy, at home, transformed. Music brings me comfort. The best part about music? It makes me feel like I’m in love, but it doesn’t cause me to act irrationally. I feel good when I listen to music, I lose control but I’m not outta control. My heart aches for music constantly, but unlike the unrequited lover, music reciprocates immediately. It is the perfect companion, the most forgiving and loving partner, the most devoted lover.

I choose music.