“Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside of you.”
-Rumi
This last weekend I went to Bhakti Fest in Joshua Tree, where
it was confirmed to me that Bhakti yoga is not my favorite path. Bhakti is the
yoga path of devotion and is expressed with Kirtan (call and response singing),
dancing, chanting; a more outward expression of love. For some, Bhakti is a very
deep, special practice, and I respect that with all of my heart. For me,
however, Bhakti does not resonate. I love playing music and dancing, but I express
my devotion a bit more internally, I think. Jnana yoga (storytelling, reading,
studying, learning the philosophy), and Karma yoga (giving service,
volunteering) are more my jam. Though the constant singing and dancing were a
bit much for me, I had many incredible experiences at the festival.
I was able to attend a breathwork and meditation workshop
given by Michael Brian Baker, who some of you OG yogis and yoginis may know
about. I had no idea who he was, but multiple people told me how amazing the
experience with him was, that I HAD to go. I went, a bit skeptical. What made
this guy so special? I showed up an hour early to wait in line, because I’d heard
that the line for his class the past two days had been so long some people
weren’t able to get in. When I got into the hall, the announcer praised him and
people in the audience looked like they were about to meet Jesus, which induced
a major eye roll. What was the big deal? He walked in, poked fun at the
admiration, and then explained the practice we were about to do. It was simple;
breathe in through the mouth twice (up through the stomach and then the chest)
and exhale a sigh, for 45 minutes, in three cycles. That’s it. He explained
that even though it was just that simple, some of us would have a
transformative experience, lots of things might come up for us to work through,
but to keep a focus on the breath. He joked and was much more down to earth than
I expected. This guy wasn’t so bad.
We laid down and began the breathing practice. He invited us
to think about our family, our ancestors, and to think about anything we may be
holding onto in our lives, but also from the lives of our ancestors. I thought
about my mom, and then my grandma, and then my great-grandmother. I thought
about their body-image issues, their feelings of low self-worth, their sexual
repression, and how that was passed down to them and then passed down to me. It
made me so sad. I don’t think they realize how damaging some of their beliefs
are to their sexual health, and how what they taught me (or didn’t teach me)
about sex has been a major mental and physical road block I have had to
overcome, and I have made amazingly huge strides, but I will probably continue
to work through those issues for the rest of my life. After this first cycle,
Michal had us hold our breath for 20 seconds, and then release, going back to
the breathing practice.
During this cycle, I felt a calmness, a peacefulness. At the
end of it, Michael asked us to laugh as if we were children, and I laughed so
hard tears came to my eyes. We laughed and laughed for a couple minutes, then
he had us hold our breath again, and release. We returned to the breathing
practice. During this cycle I felt complete happiness, close to what bliss
feels like, I imagine. (I should add: throughout each cycle, different sounds
or music would play, smells and mist were floating in the air, and these
sensations added to the experience.)
At the end of the third cycle, “Imagine” by John Lennon
began playing, and everyone began singing along. I started singing, then I
started crying, because the song reminded me so much of being a little girl,
and all the things I longed for as a girl. I remember I was always so fascinated
by hippie culture. For the longest time I was convinced I had been born at the
wrong time; I wanted to be at Woodstock, wanted to be part of the protests and
social movements, I loved 60s and 70s music, loved the fashion, loved the open
minds and free thinkers. My Mormon ancestry and upbringing, however, kept me
from being able to express that desire. And then I began thinking about the
last 6 or 7 years or so, venturing out of the Mormon church, no longer having
rules set for me and being able to decide for myself what I would believe and
how I would live, traveling, running, learning yoga, learning to express my
sexuality without guilt or shame. I had become free. My beliefs, mind, my heart
are totally transformed, and continue to transform. As a little girl I wanted
to be a runner, I wanted to be healthy and in good shape, I wanted to be a
chef, I wanted to travel, I wanted to be a hippie, I wanted to be sexy, I
wanted to be beautiful. Lying on the floor at Bhakti fest, surrounded by harem-pant-wearing,
dread-lock-sporting yogi-hippies, I thought, “I’ve made it! Little girl Marie,
we have made it!” I imagined myself embracing my younger self, kissing her,
telling her I loved her. I have never felt so much overwhelming, all-consuming
self-love in my life. It was incredible.
In the last few years I have been working at cultivating
self-love. The more effort I put into it, the more quality time I spend with
myself, the more I see myself as a friend instead of an enemy, the more I fall
in love with myself.
If I want to go hiking, camping, running, climbing, yogaing,
traveling, if I want to go to the movies, or go to a festival, or try a new
restaurant, and I can’t find anyone to go with, I am perfectly fine, and
perfectly happy, going alone. I love going alone. I love discovering people,
places, and things, with Marie.
I am my own best friend.
I don’t need to find a better half. I am my better half.
I don’t need anyone to complete me. I am complete.
I don't need anyone else to make me happy. I am happiness.
I am not lonely. The ENTIRE UNIVERSE is inside of me.
This is the greatest love affair of my life.
