Leaving Mormonism is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I say this with the utmost respect to those who still practice or have gone back to practicing. I know it gives a lot of people the structure, morals, hope, and happiness they need. Everyone in my family still practices Mormonism, in some form or other, and I would never keep them from it, but for me, leaving has made me a better person.
This is my interpretation of the religion, and it is largely based on my upbringing and my personality. I say upbringing because my parents are super Mormon, to the point that my father was rarely home when I was a child because he was either working or doing stuff for church (years later I had a conversation with him in which he told me he thought God would bless him with a close relationship with his children because of his dedication to serving in the church, but that didn't actually happen the way he thought it would). I say personality because I interpreted things differently than my brothers and sisters did, for some reason, and I think it has to do with my natural inclinations. I am really good at following rules and doing what is asked of me. It does not come natural for me to break rules, which is why I was so good at being a Mormon, and why it is so freeing for me to be out of it. In Mormonism, the point of life is to receive a body, get married in the temple, have children, die, live for eternity with God, and create your own world someday. In order to live with God for eternity, you have to follow strict rules, go to church every Sunday, serve in the church, raise your children in the church, pay money to the church, obey the leaders of the church, etc. If you deviate from this plan in any way, you are looked at with skepticism and made to feel guilty. There are clear rules that are actually pretty easy to follow and provide a lot of shelter from the outside world or anything that would keep you from the "straight and narrow" path of God. I understand why it works for people, and I know of a lot of people who do not follow the rules exactly and make the religion work for them, which is great. Again, I do not want to diminish anything for anybody.
As for me? I like not knowing the answers to anything anymore. I have embraced the unknown, which frees me to so many philosophies I would have otherwise disregarded. Why are we here? I have no clue. What will happen when we die? No idea. Is there a God? Maybe. It's refreshing not having the answers to these things, and frankly, I really don't care. All I care about at this point is living the fullest life possible and being good to people. Otherwise, I don't care! I like not having rules and having to figure out my own moral code, taking full responsibility for my actions. God did not give me what I have, I have earned it. Satan does not tempt me to do bad things, I am human and I make mistakes. Taking responsibility for every action I make is such a beautiful thing, and adds much more meaning to my life. I love myself more. I am less of a perfectionist. I don't have as many expectations for myself or others.
As a Mormon, because I did not find a husband and get married when I was "supposed" to, I felt a lot of sadness, pain, and loneliness. I thought there was something wrong with me. I was told that God was giving me a trial I was supposed to learn from, that if I went to the temple more, prayed harder, read my scriptures more, served more people, God would bless me with a husband and family. That didn't happen. You know what's funny? I don't even know if I wanted to have a husband and children, or if I was told that's what I should have wanted, so I thought that's what I wanted? That's the thing about religion: the "trials" people are given from God so they can learn A,B, or C? It's bullshit. Trials, or lessons from God, are not real. Life is real. Life happens. People do shitty things that end up hurting other people. Hard and sad things happen and we deal with it and learn from it and pick ourselves up and continue on. God and Satan have nothing to do with it.
The concept of a "sin" no longer makes sense to me. I do not commit sins anymore, because the idea is obsolete, and subsequently, I feel a lot less guilt. I mean, I used to feel guilty if I forgot to pray in the morning or let an extra bad swear word slip. It's ridiculous! I think the only time I should feel bad about anything is if I hurt another person. I think I have a responsibility to be good and kind toward my fellow human beings, and if I go against that and hurt someone, I am in the wrong and need to remedy the damage I may have done. Otherwise, I am not bad. I don't do bad things. I am not a sinner, I am a person. There is no such thing as perfection or imperfection, and I hate the idea that someday I can be perfect. Because what does that even mean? The idea of perfection is different for every person and there's no way I could be perfect in every person's eyes. It is not a real thing. I am human. I am me.
As a Mormon, the point of life was to be as righteous as possible so I could live with God forever someday. This mindset kept me from living life. There were things I wanted to do, places I wanted to go, experiences I wanted to have that I would not allow myself to have because I had to be good. I had to be responsible. I have learned that living in the moment, savoring each day, each person, each experience, each feeling, has brought me so much happiness, which is something I didn't do as a Mormon. If I hadn't left the religion, I don't think I would have quit my job to travel. I'd probably still be working at the Food Bank, miserable, 40 pounds heavier, waiting for my future husband. It's so sad and crazy to think about how much I held myself back.
I think I am a more moral person. I used to give and serve people a lot, but not because I actually loved and wanted to help those people. I did it out of obligation. I did it out of self-righteousness. I did it because I wanted God to see how good I was to others. I was usually bitter about giving service because of this mindset. Now I give and serve because I want to. I do it out of real, sincere love for people. I expect nothing in return. I would give the shirt off my back to anyone if they asked for it, and not because I'm looking for attention or praise, but simply because I see goodness in everyone and I genuinely care about people. I want to lift people up not because God told me to, but because I feel it is the right thing to do. Because people deserve to be treated kindly.
I am more patient. I am more spontaneous. I am less of a control freak. I am more forgiving. I am more understanding. I am more kind. I have more fun. I am more adventurous. I do more good. I am more genuine. I am more fit. I am healthier. I am less judgmental. I feel a lot less stress. I feel less anxiety. I am more at peace. I don't hold on to things as much. I am more easy-going. I am more open. I am more accepting.
The list goes on.
I can only speak for myself. I know plenty of people who are Mormon and live very full, adventurous, rich, sincere lives, which is so great and I am happy for them. But Mormonism did not work for me in that way. It stifled me. Leaving it was the remedy my life needed.
