Boston

AHHH The Boston Marathon. The Holy Grail of marathons. The Super Bowl of marathons. I did it. I made it. I can die now.

In all honesty, when I started running about 5 years ago, I didn't have any dreams of running the Boston Marathon. I was about 30 pounds heavier and could barely manage run/walking a couple miles. For years I'd dreamt of being an avid runner, but when it came to actually putting foot to pavement I'd make it about a half mile in and end up walking. Mentally I could not get over the bodily pain and torture of running, even though I really wanted to. Then one summer I quit my "real adult job" and started working as a cook on a ranch in Middle-of-Nowhere Montana (another story for another time). There was no TV, very limited internet which could only be accessed in the main lodge, the nearest town was down a long dirt road that took about an hour to get to by car, and I didn't have a car. But there were a lot of super fun hiking trails, incredible scenery, and, like I said, a long dirt road. I determined I would run on that dirt road every day. I started out small, only a few miles a day, but by the end of the summer I could run 10 very hilly, rocky, dirty miles with no problem. I'd also lost about 20 pounds. I decided to sign up for a half marathon and then walk El Camino de Santiago, a 500-mile pilgrimage in Spain. I finished the half marathon in 1:51, just below 2 hours, which was my goal, and walked 25-30 miles a day on El Camino, finishing in 20 days, and losing 10 more pounds.

The next year I signed up for a second half marathon, and after that decided it was time to challenge myself further and go for a full marathon. I ran my first marathon in 2017, and went on to run a few more after that. Last year I decided I wanted to qualify for the Boston Marathon. So I did.

Here's the thing. I am not your typical, over-the-top, one-million-pairs-of-shoes-owning, Strava-tracking runner. I don't own any fancy running gear besides the basics (camel back for long runs, nice running leggings and shorts). I own two pairs of running shoes, one pair for trail, one pair for road, both Altras (I swear by them). I keep it simple. I think it's unfortunate how expensive we've made hiking and running, which should both be free/cheap sports (a way to keep the class system in place, perhaps? Again, another topic for another time). The beauty of running is that it's free. It can be done anywhere, by anyone, barefoot or in heels, if you wanted.

I digress.

If I need to go for a long run, I'll put the location of a favorite restaurant in my google maps, figure out if it's the mileage I need to run, and then run to it (I love ending long runs with good food). I rarely track my time or my pace, because I find it distracts from the joy of running for me, but I have a general idea of how fast I am. The night before I ran my first marathon, for example, I told a friend, "I'm pretty sure I can run this under 4 hours. Yeah, I know for sure I can. I'm doing it." And I did. I finished in 3:51, just below 4 hours. So when I went to run the marathon that would qualify me for Boston, I did the same thing. I decided I could do it, so I did it.

Here's the thing: It doesn't always work that way. Which brings me to the Boston Marathon.

I had a couple layovers getting to Boston and it wasn't until my final layover that I recognized my fellow runners. I was wearing corduroy bell bottoms, a felt hat, and a grandpa sweater. Not the look of a Boston Marathoner. They were all wearing Adidas and Nike running gear, very conspicuously. I watched them all, feeling out of place. Right after I landed in Boston I went straight to the Marathon Expo to pick up my bib number and race packet, and was again met by more Nikes and Adidas and whatever other sports brand you can think of. It's funny; I work as a chef at a ski resort where I run way more than I ski, and then when I get around "my people,"  I still manage to not totally fit in. Forever a rebel, I suppose.

I digress.

Anyway, the Boston Marathon Expo! Touted as the best Marathon Expo in the world, where they sell any arbitrary piece of running equipment you can think of! Rich white folks buying things they don't need, making running an expensive undertaking, which it shouldn't be! Unnecessary, busy, crowded! I had to get the hell outta there!

Instead of going to talks on how to strategically take on the Boston Marathon course, instead of spending all my money at the Expo and other running events, instead of meeting famous runners, I spent the weekend leading up to the Marathon hanging with my friend Rudy, his girlfriend Evelyn, and all their super cool friends. We went to a local brewery, made dinner and cake together, I walked around the city and got lost, exploring different spots, eating good food, meeting great people. When I did eventually make it downtown again the Sunday before the Marathon, I was, again, in my hippie attire and everyone else was in their blue and yellow Boston marathon jackets. I laughed. I mean, I knew the Boston Marathon was a big deal, but I guess, to me, it's just another race to run that happens to be in an awesome city I was excited to explore. It's a big deal race, yeah, but, I don't know, friends? What's the hub bub? I started questioning if I even deserved to be there, because I just didn't understand how fanatical people were being about it. (I feel the same way about Beyoncé or Oprah or anyone/anything else that people go crazy for. Why?)

I digress.

The day of the race. We were warned it would rain, but that the rain wouldn't last all day and there would eventually be some sun. Prediction correct. I had to be to my bus by 7:30, and managed to get my feet soaked walking to my stop, which meant I would be running with wet, cold feet. I literally had cold feet (ba-dum-ching). The bus ride was about an hour long, and once I got there I had to wait another hour before being taken to the starting line. Starting time for me was 11:00 am, which is the latest I have ever started a race. It felt a little weird. I was getting antsy, and I was worried about my stamina with starting so late in the day.

I wanted to finish the Marathon in 3:30. I finished in 3:40. When I crossed that finish line, I was quite disappointed (and I felt like I'd been hit by a truck). Here's the thing: the ski season this year was insane for me due to the amount of snow we got in the Wasatch, which means I didn't get the training I would've liked. I started forming some gnarly blisters I could feel by mile 5 that were painful and distracting. Boston was at 76% humidity that day, and I'm used to running in dry, cool, crisp air. My lungs didn't handle the moisture in the air very well (hence feeling like I'd been hit by a truck). The course is a challenging one, one that starts out relatively easily and then about half way through gets really hilly (interestingly, the hill a couple miles before Heartbreak Hill was the one that did me in). It got pretty hot by the middle of the race, and I did not dress appropriately for that. I also decided mid-race that there would have been value in actually tracking my pace during training. Had I done that, it's very possible I could have finished in my goal time. Lesson learned.

However, lame excuses aside, I have to admit, it was quite an honor to run the Boston Marathon. As I was running, I began to understand why it was such a big deal. Yeah, the course is hard. Yeah, you have to qualify to be able to run it in the first place. But what makes the Boston Marathon special is the people. From beginning to end people are lined up on the side of the road, cheering runners on. A lot of them have oranges, bananas, otter pops, water and even whiskey to offer runners. There were blind runners and disabled runners holding their own and incredible volunteers who truly made the race awesome. Half way through I heard someone calling my name, and found it to be the mother of one of the servers who worked at the restaurant where I am chef. I'd met his parents a couple months earlier and they knew I was running the Marathon so looked for me on race day. They even got a few photos! Later on I heard my name again, and found Rudy running after me to cheer me on. How cool to be in a city I don't know but to have amazing support! I was running with the best runners in the world, and being cheered by the best cheerleading squad in the world, the whole way through. What a high. What a privilege.

I still probably won't be a very conventional runner. I consider Boston my graduation into trail racing, and have already begun training for my first trail marathon in a few months, the Mid Mountain Marathon in Park City. I'll probably fit in with those wild trail people a little more.

I digress.

A Lady Never Tells

Up here in Alta I usually keep my age to myself, but I’ve decided it’s time for me to reveal it.  

I guess I’ve always been worried about appearing immature for my age, or something? Most of my friends are at least a couple years younger than me, and ALL of the guys I’ve dated have been younger than me (I’ve even dated a couple guys 10 years younger than me, but not on purpose. Unintentional cougar, that’s me. Rawr). Not sure what this says about me, if it says anything about me.

I’ve been thinking about some of my younger girlfriends who have expressed that they “hope they look as good as I do” when they are my age. First of all, insulting. I’m not THAT old. 😉 Secondly, here’s the ridiculously long list of the things I do that keep me “looking young”:

1.)    I run for (at least) an hour a day, six days a week. I’m currently training for the Boston marathon, and my first 50K a few weeks after that. I plan on running a few ultra marathons and running/biking a duathlon next summer. So yeah, lots of running.

2.)    I do weight training, HIIT, and/or kickboxing 5-6 days a week, on top of running.

3.)    I practice yoga daily.

4.)    I try to drink 64 ounces of water a day.

5.)    I didn’t start drinking alcohol until about 7 years ago (when I left Mormonism), and still don’t drink very often. Once or twice a month, maybe.

6.)    I’ve never smoked a cigarette in my life.

7.)    I very rarely drink soda, only when I’m visiting home because the Coke Zero is everywhere!

8.)    I get 8-9 hours of sleep a night.

9.)    I get into nature every single day, whether that be through running or hiking or some other activity.

10.) On top of my normal workouts, I go climbing and skiing when I can as well.

11.) So, yeah, I GET A LOT OF PHYSICAL ACTIVITY.

12.) I don’t wash my face with harsh cleansers anymore. I have started oil washing and moisturizing (Crude is a brand of oils made locally in SLC and they are awesome). I also treat my face with a clay and green tea mask weekly.

13.) I don’t really wear make-up. I wear blush, mascara, and lipstick (that’s just a shade or two darker than my lips [so what’s the point, you may ask]) when I’m getting “fancy.”

14.) I don’t dye my hair (cuz I’m cheap), I only wash it a couple times a week, and I treat it with essential oils.

15.) I have a mixture of other essential oils that I use to moisturize my body.

16.) Besides my aggressive chocolate chip cookie habit, I eat as cleanly as possible. My diet mostly consists of avocados, cooked spinach, onions, garlic, sweet potatoes, butternut squash, zucchini, beans, nuts, eggs, rice, oatmeal, plain Greek yogurt, berries, bananas, the occasional salmon or other type of fish, the occasional almond butter and honey sandwich, lots of popcorn (my snack of choice) and, of course, chocolate chip cookies. I cook with olive oil usually, and love using different spices. My diet rarely deviates from these foods. I love them, never tire of them, and they make my body feel great. It’s the Marie diet, and it works for me.

17.) I take a probiotic and multi-vitamin daily.

18.) I end my day either with mint tea or Bengal Spice tea (my faves).

19.) I try to take time for creativity, whether that be through writing or painting or playing music.

20.) I have a job I enjoy, that brings me relatively little stress, and also allows for creativity, which makes it really fun. I also get to manage great people, something I sincerely enjoy.

21.) I try to volunteer when I can, and I teach yoga classes, which brings my heart a lot of happiness.

22.) I go to concerts and festivals and go camping and travel whenever I can.

23.) I try to challenge myself with new goals often.

So there ya have it! The keys to staying young forever!

Okay, but here’s the thing: I am single with no children. So, anyone reading this who has children, STOP COMPARING. I have time to do all of these things, and most of them require the kind of time you mamas really don’t have. You are freaking superwomen doing the best you can and raising beautiful babies. There is no comparison. I couldn’t do half these things if I had kids.

I am also an incredibly disciplined person, I have been since I was a child (Capricorn Sun and Rising making me achieve, baby!). When I was four years old and my mom told me I needed to stop sucking my fingers, I stopped immediately, cold turkey, never looked back. Making, changing, or stopping habits comes pretty naturally to me. So, for those of you who aren’t like me and have to put in a lot more mental power into changing habits, STOP COMPARING. I am who I am and I’ve found what works for me, so do what works for you. And to be completely honest, genes have so much to do with how we age, what our bodies look like, etc. I mean, have you seen my mom and her sisters? They are gorgeous, and ageless, it seems. I’m lucky to have inherited some of those magical aging powers. LUCKY. I did nothing except be born with some of that DNA. Thanks, mom.

And to be even more honest, sorry to throw out a cliché here, but beauty is more than skin deep. No matter what I do, my body is going to get older, and my outward appearance will become less conventionally attractive to people. My outward “hotness” (if you want to even call it that) will diminish, but my beauty, and even my sexiness can remain in tact if I focus my attention on my internal rather than my external beauty. Some of the sexiest, most beautiful women I have seen have been well into their 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, and older.

AND, again, sorry to throw out this cliché, but age ain’t nothing but a number. You’re only as old as you allow yourself to be/feel. I really truly believe that.

So I feel pretty ageless. I am healthier than I have ever been, and hope to remain that way, and even improve upon my health. I feel a range of emotions, but I am overwhelmingly happy and content with my life. I am more spiritually awake than ever, and hope to cultivate that more deeply as well.

Oh shoot. I just realized I never said how old I really am. Hm. How’s this: I am (insert whatever age you perceive me to be) years old.

Falling in love for the first time

“Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside of you.” -Rumi

This last weekend I went to Bhakti Fest in Joshua Tree, where it was confirmed to me that Bhakti yoga is not my favorite path. Bhakti is the yoga path of devotion and is expressed with Kirtan (call and response singing), dancing, chanting; a more outward expression of love. For some, Bhakti is a very deep, special practice, and I respect that with all of my heart. For me, however, Bhakti does not resonate. I love playing music and dancing, but I express my devotion a bit more internally, I think. Jnana yoga (storytelling, reading, studying, learning the philosophy), and Karma yoga (giving service, volunteering) are more my jam. Though the constant singing and dancing were a bit much for me, I had many incredible experiences at the festival.

I was able to attend a breathwork and meditation workshop given by Michael Brian Baker, who some of you OG yogis and yoginis may know about. I had no idea who he was, but multiple people told me how amazing the experience with him was, that I HAD to go. I went, a bit skeptical. What made this guy so special? I showed up an hour early to wait in line, because I’d heard that the line for his class the past two days had been so long some people weren’t able to get in. When I got into the hall, the announcer praised him and people in the audience looked like they were about to meet Jesus, which induced a major eye roll. What was the big deal? He walked in, poked fun at the admiration, and then explained the practice we were about to do. It was simple; breathe in through the mouth twice (up through the stomach and then the chest) and exhale a sigh, for 45 minutes, in three cycles. That’s it. He explained that even though it was just that simple, some of us would have a transformative experience, lots of things might come up for us to work through, but to keep a focus on the breath. He joked and was much more down to earth than I expected. This guy wasn’t so bad.

We laid down and began the breathing practice. He invited us to think about our family, our ancestors, and to think about anything we may be holding onto in our lives, but also from the lives of our ancestors. I thought about my mom, and then my grandma, and then my great-grandmother. I thought about their body-image issues, their feelings of low self-worth, their sexual repression, and how that was passed down to them and then passed down to me. It made me so sad. I don’t think they realize how damaging some of their beliefs are to their sexual health, and how what they taught me (or didn’t teach me) about sex has been a major mental and physical road block I have had to overcome, and I have made amazingly huge strides, but I will probably continue to work through those issues for the rest of my life. After this first cycle, Michal had us hold our breath for 20 seconds, and then release, going back to the breathing practice.

During this cycle, I felt a calmness, a peacefulness. At the end of it, Michael asked us to laugh as if we were children, and I laughed so hard tears came to my eyes. We laughed and laughed for a couple minutes, then he had us hold our breath again, and release. We returned to the breathing practice. During this cycle I felt complete happiness, close to what bliss feels like, I imagine. (I should add: throughout each cycle, different sounds or music would play, smells and mist were floating in the air, and these sensations added to the experience.)

At the end of the third cycle, “Imagine” by John Lennon began playing, and everyone began singing along. I started singing, then I started crying, because the song reminded me so much of being a little girl, and all the things I longed for as a girl. I remember I was always so fascinated by hippie culture. For the longest time I was convinced I had been born at the wrong time; I wanted to be at Woodstock, wanted to be part of the protests and social movements, I loved 60s and 70s music, loved the fashion, loved the open minds and free thinkers. My Mormon ancestry and upbringing, however, kept me from being able to express that desire. And then I began thinking about the last 6 or 7 years or so, venturing out of the Mormon church, no longer having rules set for me and being able to decide for myself what I would believe and how I would live, traveling, running, learning yoga, learning to express my sexuality without guilt or shame. I had become free. My beliefs, mind, my heart are totally transformed, and continue to transform. As a little girl I wanted to be a runner, I wanted to be healthy and in good shape, I wanted to be a chef, I wanted to travel, I wanted to be a hippie, I wanted to be sexy, I wanted to be beautiful. Lying on the floor at Bhakti fest, surrounded by harem-pant-wearing, dread-lock-sporting yogi-hippies, I thought, “I’ve made it! Little girl Marie, we have made it!” I imagined myself embracing my younger self, kissing her, telling her I loved her. I have never felt so much overwhelming, all-consuming self-love in my life. It was incredible.

In the last few years I have been working at cultivating self-love. The more effort I put into it, the more quality time I spend with myself, the more I see myself as a friend instead of an enemy, the more I fall in love with myself.

If I want to go hiking, camping, running, climbing, yogaing, traveling, if I want to go to the movies, or go to a festival, or try a new restaurant, and I can’t find anyone to go with, I am perfectly fine, and perfectly happy, going alone. I love going alone. I love discovering people, places, and things, with Marie.

I am my own best friend.

I don’t need to find a better half. I am my better half.

I don’t need anyone to complete me. I am complete.

I don't need anyone else to make me happy. I am happiness.

I am not lonely. The ENTIRE UNIVERSE is inside of me.

This is the greatest love affair of my life.

The Things We Worship

In Exodus 20:3, it reads, “Thou shalt have no other gods before me.” This one of the 10 commandments, and one which I always interpreted to mean that God is a jealous God who has to be worshipped at all times or else his fragile ego would be scarred. It means something much different to me now.

Let’s break this down. God is going to mean something different to everyone. To some, God is a white male in a robe living in a castle in the sky. To others, God is a woman. God may be the name one uses for the universe, for the earth, for human-kind, perhaps even for science. God may be considered oneself; God is in them and they are in God and all is One. Whatever interpretation a person has of God, the command to “have no other gods before me” has a much richer meaning than simple jealousy.  Having other gods means we have distractions, things that keep us from transcending and reaching beyond this existence. Even more simply, and more pertinent to today, having other gods creates divisions, they keep us from knowing ourselves, loving ourselves, and in turn loving one other.

What are some of the gods we worship?

Some worship laws, to the point that they are willing to uphold and support laws that are inhumane and cruel, in the name of justice.

Some worship religion. Specifically, they worship the rules and the commandments of their religion, and the men who create and up hold those rules, to the point that people exclude, disown family members, persecute, lack basic compassion, and even kill in the name of the religion they worship. Let’s be clear: this is not a worship of God. It is a worship of rules to the point of needless rigidity and cruelty.

Some worship alcohol, pills, any type of substance which numbs them and makes it easier to reach a happy state, only to hit a low the next day.

Some worship celebrities; when they get married, when they break up, when they get pregnant, the pictures of their twins, and so on.

Some worship TV, binging, binging, binging, escaping reality.

Some worship fashion and outward appearance, placing all stock in their looks, other people’s looks, constantly criticizing themselves and others based on physicality, never fully satisfied.

Some worship sports, investing time and money into paying athletes and building huge arenas instead of investing in things like education, using it as a distraction from what is happening in the world.

Some worship their own moral code, a code they have made up based on their upbringing and/or their experience in the world. They expect everyone else to live up to the code they have created, and when others don’t, they judge, gossip, and exclude.

Some worship their countries and the imaginary lines that have been drawn as a way to keep anyone who is different or seems threatening from stepping over these lines.

Some worship money, home, cars, and other resources, big or small, to the point that they have built armies as a way to protect their wealth and built armies to take away the wealth of others. Some kill for wealth. Some are unwilling to share their wealth, and would rather have people homeless, without healthcare, and even detained instead of having to share.

Some worship power, and not their own power, but people they perceive to be powerful. They perceive power to be audacious and crude, so they worship the bully, the one who speaks loudest and rudest.

Some worship ethnicity, to the point that they enslave, beat, or kill anyone who does not look like them.

Likewise, some worship sexual orientation and hurt those who don’t identify in a way they would consider normal, usually in the name of God, which is another tragedy all its own.

The list goes on. These are the other gods, the things that distract, the attachments we build which make it almost impossible for us to love each other and find common ground. These are the gods that keep us from knowing and loving ourselves. We turn to these gods to find love, identity, purpose, forgetting we are whole and complete already, just as we are. Happiness and peace already lies within us. Ultimately these gods keep us from truly communing with whatever form of God we believe in.

I am not saying all these things are bad. A good sports-ball game never hurt anyone. There are some relevant, beautiful, or even just entertaining TV shows that can lift us up. There is beauty, art, and creativity in fashion. Religion, when practiced in humility and tolerance, can be very beneficial to those seeking that kind of guidance. And so on. In moderation, and with detachment, all things can be good. It’s when we cling so tightly to the things we like and dislike that they become problematic, when the gods we worship are used to define ourselves and define others, thus creating divisiveness ("that person is a Democrat, I am a Republican; I am Muslim, they are Christian; I love country music, they hate it," etc). Our attachments create an “us against them” scenario.

I’ll get a little deeper into this, but before I do, I want to delve a bit deeper into the folly of attachment. Let me preface this by saying I have many, many attachments I am constantly in the practice of letting go of, I am not perfect at this by any means. On to my point. Ram Dass gave this analogy: “Did you ever see a really beautiful woman, like a top model who is just getting to that point where her looks are changing into what could be an internal beauty if she hadn’t been so busy with her external beauty? She is caught in the beauty of time, which withers.” Like beauty, all things wither. All things die, nothing lasts forever. Even philosophies and religions change and progress with time. Nothing remains the same. So then why do we hold so tightly onto everyone and everything we feel defines us? It is foolish to let ever-changing things define who we are. What happens when what we define ourselves as or against withers? Who are we then? We experience a loss of identity and grieve that loss. This is completely normal, but if we hadn’t been so attached to that god in the first place, perhaps it would not be so excruciating when it is lost.

In Siddhartha, our hero “saw people living in a childish or animal-like way, which he both loved and despised. He saw them toiling, saw them suffer and grow gray about things that to him did not seem worth the price—for money, small pleasures and trivial honors. He saw them scold and hurt each other; he saw them lament over pains at which the Samana laughs, and suffer at deprivations which the Samana does not feel.” How often do we suffer pain and hardship because of our attachments? This suffering, then, keeps us distracted from the divinity within us. Focused on what we don’t have, we forget that we have all we need, right inside of us. When we forget our divinity, it is impossible for us to see the divinity in others, and so we keep fighting.

How do we detach, then? For me, meditation, yoga, running, spending time in nature, service, and ecstatic dance have become important Sadhanas (practices) for me.  In meditation, I am actively practicing letting thoughts run through my mind, and then letting them go. “Drag and delete,” as it was explained to me. In yoga, I am focusing so deeply on my breath, and the movement to breath, that I forget what is on my mind. I am totally present. This is the same with running. I focus so much on the rhythm of my feet and the rhythm of my breath that everything else falls away. In nature I am surrounded by the beauty of Pachamama and her music, so I forget any sadness or attachment I may feel. In service to others, I forget about myself. In ecstatic dance, I am freely letting my body move as it will, in a room full of beautiful souls of all ages, races, and backgrounds, who are doing the same. We are individuals, but we are one. Another thing I have done and should do more often is fast. Fasting causes me to learn that I can do without and still be happy, still be filled. These are things which keep me balanced. I am learning a lot of self-love through these practices, and am learning to be still, let go of what defines me, and just be.

Feel free to adopt any of these practices, if they feel good to you, or figure out what brings you peace, causes you to focus on your divinity, and causes your mind to clear.

Once we let go of attachment and find divinity within ourselves, then are we more apt to find love for others, no matter who they are.

In the Andean culture, they have a concept called ayllu, which is our group, or social bubble. In our modern world, the ayllu is huge, as it extends from our small physical communities into the cyber world, thus connecting us to almost everyone. When first meeting anyone in anyway, tinkuy happens, which is the initial energetic meeting. In person it might be a physical energy, online it is much less concrete, but nonetheless energy is exchanged. Following tinkuy, tupay occurs. Tupay is the initial judgement we have of another person based on this energy. It is the conscious or unconscious assessment, or “checking out” of another person we all do. Usually the energy exchange will stop here. Based on tupay, we decide if someone will be our friend or not, because of how we perceive their energy. Within the Andean tradition, however, it is asked that we reach taqe, which essentially means that we take the time to get to know another person regardless of our judgements and find common ground. Taqe means we learn from others and they learn from us. We respect one another and find that we are not so different after all. Once taqe is reached, then pukllay, or play, begins to happen. We begin to find camaraderie, we laugh and joke with one another. This then leads to ayni, or cooperation, love, and reciprocity. Then we have community.

We cannot achieve ayni if we are so attached to things that we cannot find love for another. But this is the point and is why the world is cruel and hard. This is why America is divided, why families are being detained at the border. This is why our homeless population is ever-growing and are healthcare system failing. This is why there are wars, violence, hatred. We have placed all other gods before peace, love, divine nature, and God, thus making us unable to achieve ayni, and this is why God commanded to have no other gods before him/her/it/they.

Today I came across an Instagram post by Chani Nicholas that sums all of this up perfectly: “Care is revolutionary. Love is disruptive. Connection corrodes injustice.” You want to change the world? Love yourself, love God (whatever that means for you), and love others. Love is a rebellious act. So be a rebel.

New Day, New Me

End of the year for me also marks the end of a birth year. As a kid, I hated having my birthday on December 31st because I never got the attention I wanted. As an adult, I appreciate having my birthday the last day of the year, because it is a perfect time to take inventory on my life.

Like most, 2017 was a hard year for me. Politically it was insane, which is what I think most people are referring to, but 2017 was hard personally because I became fully aware of some of my bad habits, and actually admitted out loud I had things to work on. Scandinavia was hard, because traveling, camping, walking, cooking, and sleeping with one other person, 24/7, for 22 days straight, is hard. Summer at home was hard because I like to stay busy and I wasn't busy enough. Costa Rica was hard because it was humid and hot and the experience was not at all what I was expecting, though it was incredibly valuable. The road trip around the West was so fun, but hard, because I had to say goodbye to one of my best friends, and greatest loves, for at least a while, if not forever (I cried everyday for a week after Adriaan left). Alta has been fun so far, of course, but hard because I am in a leadership position where I manage the people I live with, and finding a balance is tricky. Plus it's hard because I would like to have good, strong, valuable relationships with people, but the dudes are hot and the hormones run high and I am not disciplined enough and have already found myself in sticky situations. Oy vey. Yeah, 2017 was hard.

However.

I have learned some valuable things, and because 3 is a magic number, I will share 3 lessons learned.

Number One. I am so beautiful. I AM BEAUTIFUL! I am a fine wine, more beautiful with age (I am loving getting older). I feel confident and happy. And though I sometimes drive myself crazy, and I make mistakes, and I do things that don't make sense,  I really, really, really love myself. I am okay with myself. I accept myself, flaws and all. I am told I am crazy. I am told I'm intense. So many people tell me I'm able to get them to talk about things they never normally talk about, and it makes them feel uncomfortable, and vulnerable, and they don't always like it. I get under skins. I get under my own skin. But I love everything about myself. I love that I am bold. I love that I ask hard questions. I love that I laugh at almost everything. I love that I love people, and I love that I'm willing to display my love, even if it makes me look foolish, or makes me look like I care too much. My dad said, "Is it not important to manifest outwardly the love we have, that no one else has in the same portion or in the same way?" I love that I unabashedly show my love, even if it overwhelms people.

Number Two. I can nothing do about it. I have written about this concept before, but I feel like the older I get, the less I care what people think of me, because I have no control over what they think of me. In fact, I am fascinated by how people perceive me, even if it's negatively. It's intriguing! People will think what they will, and do what they want, because they are them and I am me. We are all shaped by how we were raised, our opinions are based on how we perceive things, and how I perceive things is different than how anyone else perceives things. I can't change anyone's mind, so why try to control them? I have no control.

I can control myself. I can control some things about my environment and the people I manage at work and so on, but I have no control how others will react. I don't control their thoughts, emotions, or actions. Someone can be insulting me to my face (which happened just yesterday), and I can sit there, and listen, and smile, and take it, and not let it affect me, because one person's perception of me is based so much on their perspective of the world, and I have no control over their perspective of the world. And so, I can receive what are meant to be insults, but still feel at peace about myself and forgiving of the other person. Trust me, this doesn't work all the time, I'm not perfect at it, but I'm getting better with active practice, and it feels great. There is so much freedom, so much peace, in relinquishing control.

Get it? Got it? Good.

Number Three. I think I've figured out what love means for me. I've been spending the last couple years trying to figure this out. I think love means different things to everyone. We all have our own idea of what love should feel and look like, and that's a beautiful thing. Love, for me, is when I will let someone else take care of me. Sounds weird, right?

I have a very hard time accepting help from others. I love to give and give and give and give, then give some more, then forgive, then give again. This causes me to feel a bit drained, even though I love to give. I see it as a weakness to ask for help, and I do not want to appear weak. I can get people to talk about themselves for hours, but I have a hard time talking deeply about myself. There are people who think we are the best of friends, but it's because they have told me their life story, and I have listened, but they've never asked about me. It's weird not feeling at all close to people who feel so close to me.

This is where dear, sweet, (butthead) Adriaan comes in. I spent two months traveling with him last summer, and we saw every side of each other. He met my friends and family. He mowed my mom's lawns and bought my grandma flowers. We fought, talked, walked, laughed, fought some more, compromised, kissed, loved, cried, gave, helped each other. He knows me better than any other person knows me. Most importantly, I feel safe with Adriaan, safe enough to let him baby me, take care of me when I'm sick, carry me when I'm tired, let me (literally) cry on his shoulder. I trust him completely.

BUT.

He lives in The Netherlands and I live in the States, and neither one of us plans on moving to the other country. So we remain good friends, I hear from him every day, but we will never be together. I'm not sad about it (anymore). The reality is that no matter how comfortable I feel with him, he still drives me crazy. I don't believe there is just one person out there for me, I think there are many different kinds of people I could love, and I might even find someone I'm more compatible with. I'm not looking for an American Adriaan, I wouldn't even want that. I just want someone I feel safe with. Someone who I can let my guard down with, who I will trust to take care of me.

There are my three.

Here's a bonus: I am trying to be a lot more forgiving of myself, allowing each day to be a new beginning. Instead of focusing on the mistakes of the pervious day, I will forgive myself and allow myself to move forward. New day, new me.

And peace be with you.

I'm starting a new church (but not really)

When I’m in Alta or when I’m traveling, I never (or very rarely) hear or talk about Mormonism. I am allowed to be Marie, free from being defined as a “former Mormon,” "Non-Mormon,” “Exmormon,” or whatever label you prefer. It is wonderful. If you wonder why I live my life the way I do, that is one reason. I feel free being a vagabond, making strangers my friends. Strangers have no expectations of me because they don’t know who I was in the past or where I came from. They have no perception of who I am based on old habits. They embrace me for who I am now because they don’t know any different.  

Though it is important to me to spend time with my family, I find it, at times, to be rather frustrating. Most of my siblings have accepted me for who I am now, and even my mother has for the most part, which is great. We’ve come a long way, and time with family is fun and meaningful most of the time. I love my family. But there are still times when side comments are made about my “lack of faith,” religious terms are referred to in a way to chastise me, and even my morality is brought into question. It doesn’t happen as much as it did before, but it still happens. When I come to Salt Lake I feel a bit out of place as well. Even though I love this city for so many reasons, Mormonism is brought up in the headlines, podcasts, new reports, and everyday conversations. Those of you who are still members of the church, hear me out: if you wonder why people who leave the church “can’t leave it alone,” these are the reasons why. I WANT to leave it alone, I love leaving it alone, I don’t want to talk about it anymore, have no desire to attack it, but if I am hearing snide comments about my lifestyle, or I’m being told that my “sins” make other people sad, how am I supposed to leave it alone? I feel I must constantly defend myself, which means talking about Mormonism. If it is exhausting and frustrating for you, imagine how tiring it is for me.

I did not leave the church because I wanted to “sin.” I didn’t leave because I was offended, or led away by Satan, or stopped going to church, or stopped praying and reading the scriptures. I didn’t stop attending the temple and I didn’t stop fulfilling my callings in church. If anything, I did those things more, desperately trying to hold on, trying to retain my belief. Those of you who know me well knew how faithful I was. So, anyone who says it is easier to leave a religion than it is to stay in one obviously has not been through a faith transition. I can tell you right now: it is not easy. It is one of the hardest things a person can go through.

Think about it: you have been given a template by which to live your life. You have been raised to believe a certain way, been given rules to follow and guidelines to go by. You’ve been told what to do, how to do it, when to do it. You’ve been given a narrative that makes sense of life and death, giving a meaning and a purpose for everything. Then you learn something that shatters this template, this story, and you are left a completely clean slate, usually well into adulthood. You are left to pick up the pieces and figure out what you believe your own, with no certain, clean narrative. I can tell you right now, from experience:  that is not an easy thing to do. Especially if your family is still in it, and mourning the loss of your soul. It’s hard.

I truly envy the people who can stay in a religion, especially an orthodox one, and still retain a sense of self. Those who never felt held back or stifled, who felt free to do and be who they wanted to be while retaining their faith. Those of you who stay in a religion, whatever that religion may be, determined to make changes from the inside, kudos to you. Truly, truly, I look at you with awe and amazement, and I love you. Fight the good fight, pioneers, I will not stop you!

I just could not do it anymore, and guess what? I am all the better for it. Those who say people who leave a religion will never be as happy as they were in the religion probably also have never gone through a faith transition. Again, I can tell you from experience, it is possible to leave a religion and be MUCH MUCH happier without it. I didn’t even realize how stifled I was by Mormonism until I finally left. I feel like my happiness can be seen from the outside even! I am healthier, more physically fit, more in-tune with myself, more comfortable and confident with myself. I feel much more peaceful, I have chilled out. I don’t hold myself back anymore, I go for adventure anytime I can. I am doing things I only dreamed of doing. I’m becoming the Marie I’ve always wanted to me. Sometimes I wish I could go back to sixth grade Marie and be like, “Look little Marie, you made it! You are a chef (which is something you always wanted to do). You are running marathons (also something you wanted). You are traveling (your dream). You have fallen in love, many times. You are beautiful (finally out of that awkward stage). You are becoming your own version of Joe March.” Sixth grade Marie would be so proud.

Within Mormonism I didn’t feel free to be this Marie.

This Marie has finally come into herself, and has embraced the fact that she is imperfect, very, very imperfect, and constantly changing. This Marie realizes that she knows nothing, NOTHING, and that there are no certainties in life. This Marie has come up with her own template that seems to be working, but probably still needs tweaking. So with that as a disclaimer, fully owning that what works for me may not work for you, I present to you my 10 commandments. These are meant for me and only me, but if they resonate with you, cool man. Also, I should say that I am not perfect at these, not by any means, but I’m trying. Here we go:

1.)    BE KIND: Love thy neighbor as thyself. Give of your time and money when you are able. If you feel inspired to send a text to someone telling them you love them or are thinking of them, do it. It takes 30 seconds. Compliment people. Smile. Talk to people, ask them how they’re doing. Take time to listen. Turn freaking water into wine because wine makes everyone feel better. Just, you know, be like Jesus and hang out with everyone, no matter who they are or what they’ve done.

2.)    BE OPEN: Be open to people, experiences, and perspectives. Being open to other ideas does not mean you must embrace those ideas and believe them as gospel truth. You don’t have to agree with everyone, but don’t be afraid to engage in those conversations! Be open to the unknown! Being open allows you to understand people more, it causes you to be more understanding and compassionate, which helps with the first commandment, to be kind. Also, be open to exploring new places and trying new things! Don’t hold back!

3.)    BE IN TUNE: Listen to your body. Listen to your heart. Listen to your mind. Take time to be still and peaceful. Being in tune means knowing what you need to be happy and healthy, but is also means being aware of others and their needs. It means being aware of the energy you put off and others put off. It means listening to The Spirit within you, whatever that spirit is.

4.)    FOLLOW THROUGH: Actually act on the good things you are inspired to do. We can sit and talk all day about how we want to make the world a better place, but if we don’t act on those words, then they are just words. Go do!

5.)    YOU CAN NOTHING DO ABOUT IT: Learn that we have very little control over what happens in life, and little to no control over other people. Trying to control other people is just going to bring you and them frustration and unhappiness. Let bygones be bygones. Live and let live. Now, of course there are exceptions to this. If you know someone is suicidal or physically hurting themselves or others, by all means, step in. However, when it comes to lifestyle choices, political or religious beliefs, taste in music or movies, or whatever it may be, you have no control over anyone else, and trying to control them will just hurt you. You can’t make anyone love you, or love the things you love, or do things the way that makes sense to you. People are going to do things their way. They’re going to love who/what they want. Let them.

6.)    BE GOOD TO YOUR BODY: Eat healthily, whatever that means for what your body needs. Be active. Walk instead of driving, if you can. Be smart about what you do with your body. Live a long, full, able, and healthy life (however long that may be).

7.)    LOVE YOUR BODY: Realize that no matter what the beauty standard in society is now, it will inevitably change, therefore it is better to appreciate and love your body for what it is, naturally. The fact that your body can heal itself, that is it healthy and you can climb mountains with it, think with it, make food with it, kiss and hug people with it, etc, is miraculous. So love it!

8.)    GET OUT IN NATURE AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE: Nothing brings more peace than being in the mountains, surrounded by trees and plants and animals. The sounds, the sights, the smells, all of it brings peace, gratitude, and joy. Nature is medicine. So get in it! Get dirty!

9.)    RUN: Get into the rhythm of your body, your breath, the sound of your feet on the ground. Let your mind go. Be in the now. Run run run run run.

10.)  OWN YOUR IMPERFECTIONS: You are not perfect. You will never be perfect. You will still hurt people, let people down, do things that don’t make sense, no matter how hard you try. It’s okay. Own it, forgive yourself, try harder next time. There is beauty in embracing and owning your imperfections. They are what make you human.

So, there are my 10 commandments. The gospel of Marie. These are the things I find most important right now, things I want to focus on. I don’t want to tear anyone else down. I don’t want to take anyone away from whatever they believe that brings them happiness. I’m not trying to convert anyone to or from anything. Except love. I do want to convert everyone to love. I guess that’s my agenda.   

beep beep beep beep beep

Every time I visit my grandparents in California, my grandma tells me I need to write a book about all my experiences traveling, that she would love to read my stories, which is such a sweet thing for her to say, but it isn't true. I mean, I think she would probably enjoy all the rated G stuff, but I'd want to write about everything, even the rated R stuff, and I know she would not like the rated R stuff. I have thought about giving myself a pseudonym so that I can write about everything without getting myself into trouble with my family because even though they know I am not active in the Mormon faith, there is a lot of don't-ask-don't-tell maneuvering I have to do in order to keep the peace. It is exhausting, to be honest, especially with all the time I've been spending with my family for the last couple months. I am drained, but it is worth it to me to keep the peace. I'm still not at a point where I want to deal with the shit I'd have to deal with if I opened up to my family in full detail about my life, and I don't know if I ever will be. Quite frankly, they don't need to know everything anyway.

I will, however, get into some detail here, though it's not really rated R stuff. Don't get too excited.

In April and May I was in Scandinavia, walking from Oslo to Copenhagen with Adriaan. Adriaan and I met on the Camino de Santiago in Spain almost two years ago, and we have kept in touch everyday since then. I am probably my truest, rawest self with him; he sees the good, the bad, and the ugly. I am incredibly comfortable around him, always have been. He is an important person to me. He is also frustrating, infuriating, charming, funny, kind, not-so-kind, difficult, while also being very easy-going. When people ask me how Scandinavia was, I feel like I have to sugar-coat it and talk about how the scenery was amazing and the food delicious, but really, if I had to use one word to describe Scandinavia, it would be hard. That trek was HARD. Not because the trails were difficult or because we had to deal with bad weather, because besides a coupe rainy days, the weather was perfect and the terrain relatively easy. Nope, it was hard because we were walking together everyday, sleeping in the same tent at night, we didn't have showers so we smelled bad, our muscles were sore, and we didn't really have opportunities to interact with other people. We were with each other 24/7 for 20 days. It was hard. We laughed a lot, had a lot of fun, but we also argued and cried a lot. I learned hard things about myself, #1 being that I sometimes play the victim which causes me to be mad at people and blame them for my anger when they have done nothing wrong. Man, that was a hard realization for me. I hated it. However, I am happy to be made aware. I am a difficult person sometimes, but I want to be better, and I'm trying.

Guess what? Adriaan is also a very difficult person. And guess what? We are still friends. The last day we were in Copenhagen we had a pretty big argument. As we were talking through things he told me that if I never wanted to speak with him again he would understand. He is used to people leaving him and never speaking to him again. I told him I was not going to stop speaking with him, that arguments are a chance for us to reflect on how we can both be better and more understanding of each other. So we worked through the argument and we still talk everyday. He is coming to the States in October and we are going to road trip through the West for a month together. My friends and family who have heard me talk about Adriaan for the last couple years are finally going to meet him. He's gonna charm the socks off of them cuz that's what he does.

Don't get too excited, friends.

You know those people you love so much who end up getting into serious relationships or even getting married after years and years of being single and you see the pictures on Facebook and you get so excited they have found their person? I feel like I am that to a lot of people, so every time I posted a picture or video of Adriaan I felt like I needed to write a disclaimer like, "don't get too excited, friends. I know he's good looking and all, but we are not a couple." Adriaan and I have the kind of relationship I would like to have with someone someday, one that is honest and open and raw, but we are not in love in the gushy, Disney movie sort of way, never have been. I mean, we like to talk, we get excited to see each other, we respect each other, enjoy each other's company, but we never went through that rose-colored-glasses, he/she-can-do-no-wrong phase. I honestly can't decide if that phase is necessary. Maybe it would be best to just skip that part and get into what a true relationship is, which is, ya know, HARD. Relationships are hard! I mean, I have definitely felt butterflies for people, and it is exciting and exhilarating and fun, but it always ends. I don't necessarily trust butterflies. However, it doesn't really matter because the gushy honeymoon feeling is what Adriaan wants, and we don't have it. He wants that Disney romance, and I want Adriaan to be happy, so all I can do is hope he finds that kind of love with someone. And maybe I'll find it too, maybe it does exist, and can actually last, who knows?

Otherwise, I'm happy living my life as I have, which is a good, good life. Costa Rica coming up, Alta again in the winter. I love Alta. I am so excited for the season to start. I'm also so happy to be a crazy, addicted runner. I posted a little about this yesterday, but I am incredibly happy to have discovered running. Running is the most effective method of meditation for me in that it totally clears my mind and causes me to be completely present. When I run, I am focused on what my body feels like, what my surroundings look like, what my path is, and what my end goal is. When I run, all I think about is running. I think it makes me a more peaceful, in-tune, happy person. It is my thing. I want to make yoga my other thing, which is why Costa Rica is exciting. I'll be working at a yoga retreat center and doing yoga twice a day, which will be awesome. Yoga also makes me very aware of my body, my breathing, and puts me at peace. Above all, these activities make me appreciate and love my body. It's a good body.

Anyway, I am sitting in Sugarhouse Coffee in my dear Salt Lake City, a place I love, and it's probably time to release these thoughts into the universe and catch the train home. Peace and love for now.